A Life with Bipolar Depression

Let me just start by saying I am not a psychologist, nor do I claim to be. Ever. I am just someone that has lived with and around bipolar depression all my life. Growing up, I watched my father battle with bipolar disorder and I saw my mother try to understand it. As I grew older, I discovered that I too had been blessed with the confusing and stressful gift of bipolar disorder. In the following paragraphs, I will be sharing with you the struggles that people with bipolar disorder and bipolar depression undergo and some of the things I have learned to help in coping and in some instances even striving with the illness. With any luck, my writing will help even just one person in feeling not alone or understand what a loved one is going through and ways they can help (when needed).

We’ll begin with common signs and behaviors of someone with bipolar disorder. Everyone is different of course, but most generally someone with bipolar disorder will have mood swings, issues sticking to a regular sleep schedule, difficulty holding down a steady job, have “lazy” tendencies, and issues with relationships. A lot of times people think someone with the disorder means they have a short temper and need tiptoed around as to not cause a scene. While this can be a symptom during an episode, it is not the full story and not usually the regular personality of the person. Bipolar disorder comes with two main swings: manic and depressive. During the manic swing, one might spend money on unnecessary things that they wouldn’t normally buy or go on spontaneous trips. Basically, the manic stage causes the person to do things or say things on a whim without thinking things through. While in manic mode, they may also have trouble sleeping or relaxing and have higher anxiety. From my experience, the manic swing doesn’t last as long as the depressive swing which will last anywhere from two to three weeks, whereas, manic lasts one to two weeks. The depressive swing can cause major depression and extreme fatigue. Someone going through the depressive swing of bipolar disorder will be distant, stay home as much as possible, have trouble with basic responsibilities and may even be forgetful. The depressive swing is the main cause that those the struggle with bipolar disorder are pegged as “just being lazy.” There are more signs and symptoms but these are the main/easy to recognize one.

As a kid, I saw all the symptoms from my father but didn’t fully understand until I was a bit older. I watched him go from the most outgoing person I knew to the most anti-social. I saw him be completely engulfed by a project or idea and be so motivated to do it perfect and to his fullest ability and then some, and then it seemed someone would flip a switch one day and he didn’t revisit the idea again. It was very confusing as a kid. It almost felt as if I had two dads that looked the same. From the outside looking in, I had no idea what was going on with him and I didn’t know how to help or make him feel better. Not only did he change from these two personalities every few weeks but as I grew older and the years went on, I also saw these personalities change. It seemed his social butterfly personality was fading and the anti-social personality was taking over. Even his interests changed. He would end up so deep in the depressive swing, I actually thought the couch was eating him alive! Maybe that’s why I always sat on the living room floor when I watched cartoons. My mother was the working parent of the relationship. She buried herself in work to support our family because she saw that my dad couldn’t. That’s not to say he didn’t try. He had a few jobs growing up but they all ended about the same way; unable to stay on a consistent sleep schedule. My parents often argued also. There was the usual bickering that came with marriage but then there was also arguing over my dad’s spur of the moment trips and his inability to complete the things he started and her feeling left out and overstressed. I could go on but you get the idea. They had discussed his illness with me briefly here and there but it wasn’t until I became a teenager and started experiencing some of the same things that I watch my dad go through that I really understood and I was diagnosed with the same thing he was. It was then that I realized, it wasn’t a choice he was making to flip the switch between these personalities but it was an involuntary chemical imbalance in his brain. Looking back, I’m glad that I could have parents that went through those things and overcome those challenges. Not only was I able to acquire some tools for myself but I was also able to learn from what didn’t work for them.

My battle, though different, is like that of my father’s. I have the same mood swings I remember seeing him go through and the same issues with sleep and even similar relationship issues. What I have found helps me through the symptoms, is keeping my kids in mind with everything I do. I am constantly thinking, “how will this impact them if I let being bipolar run my life?” I’m not saying this always helps because let’s face it, at the end of the day, it is still a chemical imbalance. Regular exercise and a healthy diet are things that I have found help in reducing the frequency and severity of my mood swings. The last thing I learned can be beneficial for me is simply time to myself doing something that I enjoy. For example, I like to play guitar, write, paint, or even just color. Basically, anything that is relaxing and just for me. Again, these tools don’t “fix” me or make me totally better, but they have allowed me to manage living my life with bipolar depression for a year and a half without the help of medication. Not everyone will be able to manage completely without medication, however these tools may help with being able to manage with lower doses of medication. Always speak to your doctor about medication management and/or removal. That is not something safe to decide on your own.

That’s my story; that’s my point of view. With any luck, I have helped at least one person with the battle be it that of a loved of or they are going through it themselves. Thank you for reading and remember, a little encouragement goes a long way.