Anxiety Struggles - Day 1

Hello all,

I used to write all the time and sort of fell out of it for no real reason why and lately, I have felt like I should get back into it and I figure it will also help me to make sense of all my anxiety struggles that have been happening for the last 4 weeks or so.

So to begin, I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember and have mostly been able to deal with it but lately I have been having daily anxiety/panic attacks and they have been so brutal that I have basically become a hermit and I stay home only to emerge for doctors' appointments or my newly added counselling sessions. If you have ever experienced either, then you can understand how terrifying they can truly be. I honestly feel like I can't breathe and my heart is just pounding.

Honestly, I never really have liked to talk about my anxiety to anyone and have this attitude of I have always dealt with it by myself so why should it be any different? So for me to seek counselling for my anxiety was and is a huge step and learning process for me. It has opened my eyes to things of my past that I have long buried beneath the surface.

That was my way of dealing with all those hard times as a kid was to simply get to the next day, focus on when it would get better. I would just shove those feelings down and do what I had to do to get through it all. I never wanted to admit that anything my birth mother did affected me other than being proud I overcame it and survived her terrible choices.

It still pains me to admit that even after 10 years of not speaking to each other that she still is affecting me. To sum it up, I feel like I am failing. I feel like she's won and I can never truly escape her. While I have overcome so much I still feel like I am failing because I let all this bother me all these years later. This is where the counselling is coming into play and is helping me to not be on this train of thought anymore, or at least, be able to think about it differently and work through everything I buried.

The struggle is intense and I have both good days and bad in between but I feel like with my counselling and my family by my side that I can do this. Along with what I hope will be at the least weekly blogging here, I can beat this thing. I know I will likely always have anxiety in some form, but I will overcome this hurdle and won't let her win.

Some days are harder than others, and I wish I weren't so hard on myself on those hard days. Hard days are okay to have, and even good to have so I can grow and not let it hold me back. I have to keep telling myself this even though I don't always believe it. Life just keeps moving no matter how much you may want it to just stay still for a while. Honestly, none of this is easy, its a struggle every day just to leave my bed. But I don't want to be a hermit and just stay in bed and be constantly scared of the unknown.

Basically, the point of this is not only for me to have an outlet but for others to read this and if all they get from it is to know they are not alone then that's all I want. So brace yourself for this journey because it isn't easy and I'm ready for this ride. I want to overcome this and have the courage to be more assertive and just know I am not alone.

Until next time,

-Shan