Dear Eight Year Old Me…

No, it’s not normal to feel like this. You are not supposed to have such severe anxiety and depression and genuinely want to kill yourself at age eight. People will keep telling you that you’re being dramatic and you don’t know what it actually feels like to me sad and want to die; that you are far too young to understand. The thing is, I know, I understand. Why you wanted to kill yourself from such a young age I’ll never know, but I need you to know that you will survive this and I know that your feelings are valid, even if you are so young.

You have been through a lot more than most eight year olds, you had to grow up incredibly quickly. You grew up in poverty for a while, in a broken home with some troubled people. You were verbally abused by many, sexually abused and exploited by some but it doesn’t feel real to you because no one has told you that this isn’t something people your age go through. Your friends had happy families, married parents, huge homes, and their priorities were going to the park after school. You never felt like you fit in with them and you couldn’t pin point why. Well, I can tell you why. They are incredibly lucky; they have "normal" childhoods, and you don’t. A "normal" childhood was taken from you, it’s not your fault.

The frustrating thing about admitting to anyone, (friends, family, teachers, adults of authority) about what you are going through is that most of them will believe that you are being dramatic, that your child-like imagination is getting carried away. Many of them will explain that there are children with serious illnesses who don’t have long to live, children who are dying of preventable diseases in other countries, who have it worse than you. Do not listen to them. Pain and suffering is valid regardless of what other people are going through. You cannot compare yourself to everyone who is going through something awful. Wouldn’t that mean that only one individual in the world at a time is allowed to have a hard time and be depressed? Pain and suffering is relative and no one is allowed to tell you that you are wrong for feeling what you are feeling. Adults always think they know best and that children are dramatic and idiotic, but you will learn later in life that this is certainly not the case. Adults are not the super heroes that you view them as, they can be very damaging and ignorant.

Honestly, it will get worse at first and no one else will understand, at least not for a long time. It’s going to be a very lonely twelve years, but my God will this make you stronger than everyone else! You may be jealous that all of your friends have an actual childhood when you don’t, but you grew up and learned how to power though the most brutal experiences much earlier than most people. You have gained a knowledge and experience that is so valuable and useful for real life, and although that may not seem important to you at age eight, you have to realise that something can be gained from such difficult and horrible experiences.

Believe it or not, you will even meet a couple of people in your adulthood who went through similar things to you. Other people from broken homes who grew up in poverty, other people who were verbally or even sexually abused at a primary school age. I know it’s so lonely for you now and you don’t know of anyone who even lives in a house with less than three bedrooms, let alone grew up in a situation like yours. But it is important to remember that someone else, somewhere, is going through the same thing. Other children who are having an incredibly difficult time, and you will meet them at a much better time in both of your lives. You will be able to reflect on the difficult life you had and the brutal experiences you went through and realise how strong you are for surviving what most people couldn’t even imaging going through at such a young age. It’s going to get so much better and you will get so much stronger. I know it seems completely out of reach now and the wait doesn’t seem worth it but if you could see how strong you will become you would understand.

You are having a horrible time, and that is valid. You are going through some things that most people don’t go through until years and years after you, and you don’t know how to cope with it but that’s okay. It does get easier and you will get strong enough to survive this. Just don’t give up, it’s going to be a difficult few years but you will get through it. I know you, and I am incredibly grateful that you survived.