Depression Is Not Beautiful

I do not understand why everyone is so confused about depression. Most people do not fully understand what depression actually is. People assume it’s just feeling sad. But as someone who suffers from depression, I know for a fact, it is NOT beautiful. It is not just feeling sad. It is so much more than that. Depression is waking up in the morning and not wanting to get out of bed, or even to brush your hair. Depression is almost as if you’re completely empty. You are exhausted from doing the bare minimum. Your body aches with the feeling like you do not matter amongst the people you’ve been around all your life. It’s the feeling that there is no hope for you. People can say that they understand what you’re going through, but do they really know? Just know there are millions of people out there who are suffering, just like you are. Some may have it worse than others. But it is not a competition to see who is more depressed and to see who is more poetically sad. People sit there and say that depression is something they want. But, me and millions of other people know this is not something you want. As a matter of fact, I DO NOT WANT THIS. But here I am, stuck with something that is being romanticized and is being worshipped. To the point where people ask if you’re faking it. Depression causes so much pain. Everyone has their own way of trying to fix the one thing that is there for life. Myself, I would cut myself to try and ease the pain and the numbness I would feel. I always tried to find the way to fix myself, but I realized I was hurting the people around me. I tried getting help, but I found out a really hard way that sometimes you need to find your own way out of this deep, dark pit of constant darkness. When getting help, I was technically a “lab rat.” I tried mass amounts of pills, which made me feel as if I was the zombies from horror movies that I use to fear. I have been in counseling, which didn’t help until I found a therapist who made me feel as if I actually mattered. But I was switched to a new therapist. Which brought me back on a downward spiral. I am still searching for my happiness, but I still have not found it. I know I’ll eventually get there. I still have many sleepless, year filled nights, where I’m grasping into my pillow screaming how I do not matter. Maybe I do matter, but I still haven’t realized that I should matter to myself before anyone else. I know people say that you need to love yourself, but they forgot to mention how hard it actually is to love yourself. But I am here to tell you, that YOU are not alone. There are people out there like you. Because, I, am just like you. If you feel like you want to get help, or if you feel like you need help, please do get help. Reach out, that way you are safe. Because, dear readers, YOU DO MATTER!