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Describing My Depression

And How I’ve Overcome It

By Brianna BaileyPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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It feels as if there's a blanket wrapped around my body, and I'm underwater, the heavy blanket making it more and more difficult to swim up to the surface. I can feel the cool air on my finger tips but I just can't kick myself up. I'm in a panic. My chest hurts; it feels like my lungs are caving in. I need air. Every time I get close it feels like I'm dragged back 50 feet lower, the burning feeling in my chest only making my heart beat faster the lower I sink. It feels like drums from a marching band beating my chest. I can feel it in my arms, fingers, legs, toes, and my head. It feels like my heart is a race car, trying to win a race that I didn't sign up for.

Or I can describe the recent event. I was lying in bed, my alarm going off for me to go to school but I can't get up. It feels like cement covered my body and is holding me down. My alarm only gets louder as the minutes pass, making me more anxious to get up. Knowing I need to get up, but knowing I'll be going to a place where everyone hates you only makes me want to stay. The voice in the back of my head always tells me, "There's no point in going anyways. You can't even make a decent score on the ACT or SAT. No college will want you anyways." The feeling is over powering. So I skip. For the tenth time. Why haven't they kicked me out yet? I've always wondered. "They feel bad for you. They know you're not going anywhere after this," the voice tells me again. I start to cry, realizing how useless my life is. I wasted 13 years of education to not even make it into a college. Knowing this makes me feel like I put a bullet to my brain. My family is going to hate me. I failed them. I was their only hope since on both my mother and father's side, they dropped out in high or middle school. It sucks knowing that your brothers, all of whom you've raised, will see you become nothing in life. You'll be working that minimun wage job, probably become an alcoholic since you already drink every chance you get, and waste your life away. I'm just another failure in life. I'm supposed to be their inspriation and all I am is a laughing stock. I can hear the voice in the back of my head laughing at me now. It echoes in my head, taunting me. It makes me want to hit the wall, scream. It makes me want to run away from everything but I can't because all I do is turn my alarm off and roll back over, telling myself I'll go to school tomorrow.

Then people always tell me to talk to them. If I could, I would never stop telling them what goes on in my mind. But every time I try to speak my throat dries up, a lump manages to make its way in my throat, and the drowning process starts all over again. So all I do is blink away my tears and smile.

"Dude I'm fine, seriously," I tell them but inside my mind I've killed myself at least a dozen times.

But, on the nights that aren’t bad, I’m always planning for my future. Never mind the insecurities, never mind the negative thoughts that form in my head as a hurricane does in the Atlantic Ocean. They’re only thoughts, and as they say, actions speak louder than words. I'm writing out a plan on how my life will go. If plan A doesn’t work then I’ll switch to plan B, and if plan B doesn’t work then there’s a plan C. With these plans in mind, I make sure to keep my head up knowing that yes, not everything goes as planned, but I will get through this. You also will, too.

All I’m trying to say is: find coping mechanisms. I know, it’s hard and you get busy or don’t think that they work. But they do. As long as you keep going, keep making an effort, and don’t give up, even when shit hits the fan, you’ll make it. You will make it through school. You will graduate. You will get accepted into a college. It may not be your dream college, but you’ll be in a college, taking the steps to make your career. You will graduate college, and after that you will become who you’ve always wanted to be. Explaining depression can be hard, and for most people, it won’t go away. But you can manage it. It’s hard, definitely not an easy task. But as long as you have a plan and keep your head from going under that rain cloud that follows you, you will have a successful life worth living.

depression
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