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Drowning Above Water

When the Tidal Wave of Anxiety Takes Over

By Erin ShannonPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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The Calm Before the Storm

Sometimes I feel powerful. I feel like your stereotype "I can conquer the world," outgoing and strong, manic pixie dream girl. I can do anything and I am here to show you how to achieve all your dreams too.

Then suddenly, it's the middle of summer and I'm in the passenger seat of my boyfriend's car gripping the side while he takes a highway off-ramp at 60 kmh, watching my life flash before my eyes for no reason at all. My heart starts racing and I yell at him to slow down because we're going 5 kmh over the suggested speed for the ramp. All the calming exercises and deep breathing I've been doing for the past six months has been a waste and I'm just sitting there with sweaty palms and wet eyes. These are the days I hate the most.

They are the ones that make you feel like you are crazy. I often experience those days as if I am having an out of body experience. I look at myself and watch the panic take over. Then I'm looking around thinking, "Why am I panicking so much? There's literally NOTHING to be worried about right now." But that's the thing with out of body experiences, you can't communicate between your two bodies.

I know I am safe. I know I am not breaking the law. I know that what I am doing is not going to affect me in any near or far future. But my anxiety takes over me and everything I've worked towards is gone.

On these days, disappointment washes over me and I feel like the biggest failure in the world and nothing can change my mind. Don't get me wrong, I do everything I can to try to change it but stubbornness has always been one of the things I'm most proud of. I remind myself of all the reasons I am not a disappointment. I remind myself that my parents are proud of me, that my friends love me, and that I've accomplished a lot in my short life. But then the dam breaks and all of the anxious thoughts I've had in the last 12 years floods my mind and I'm drowning in anxiety.

That stupid comment I made at work last week repeats in my head like a broken record even though no one even cared about it. I remember the time when I was 15 and spilt soup all over the table at my part-time job and now I'm convinced that every one I met there only remembers me for that. Then I remember the time in sixth grade that another girl called me a lesbian and now I'm too scared to tell anyone I'm bi because even though I know it doesn't matter what others think of me, all I can think about is what others think of me.

But the worst part about these days in that while these thoughts are rushing in and I'm hyperventilating, trying to keep my head above the water, I know it's all made up. I know I'm being irrational and dramatic but I cannot seem to let these things go.

My anxiety is a part of me. She has her own thoughts and her own personality and she doesn't want me to forget where we both came from. Regardless of how much I hate her, I am reminded that I am not me without her. She tells me I just need to swim harder and I'll be okay but I yell back that I am swimming as hard as I can and I still cannot see the light above me. When the tidal wave hits and I'm pulled down yet again, she reminds me that she is the only thing I need in life to build myself up. We scream at each other for days on end until we both have no breath yet. When the storm finally calms and she thinks I've trained hard enough, weeks have gone by and I am back to having no fear. Only this time I am prepared for the next wave.

anxiety
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About the Creator

Erin Shannon

A lost soul looking for direction. All things real. Sustainable living, Supernatural, and Self sabatoge. Kingston ON

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