Living with Mental Illness

We all know living with a mental illness is a struggle. It is one thing we can never get away from, even with all the help we seek. It's the one thing that latches on to us and never leaves. Once you have it, you can never get rid of it. Make yourself stronger? Of course, but you need to learn to cope with it and maintain your happiness. You never know if something or someone will set it off again. You will always be a ticking time bomb.

For years I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and many other mental illnesses. Not until recently have I thought to seek help for myself and not for others. The first step when knowing something is not right with you is to be aware you need treatment. know that you're not alone in this battle, be as strong as you humanly can be. Be positive.

"Be positive? How can I do that?"

"What is true happiness?"

I am sure there are a million questions being asked to many doctors around the world, but is it helpful? I started out when I was younger with symptoms of depression. I was beaten as a child, you know back in the late 80s early 90s when it was okay to hit your child for being bad. Emotionally and physically abused, I know that influences how I am today as a person. How you grow up, the setting of the households, it's all you know, and it is all too real.

For years growing up, I was told I was never going to be good enough, that I am a follower and not a leader. I was set out to be a failure, how can a child be put through that? As they grow up all they will think and know is that they will fail at everything. Thinking no one is going to be proud of them if they succeed. It's a struggle to live with such hatred, guilt, and many other horrible feelings. I wanted to do many things, but I was held back, my sisters got to do everything... I was just pushed to the side, no one’s proud of me, no one cares what I want to do. Your mind just keeps racing with negativity. As much as your childhood was good it was also very traumatic. You're scarred for life, with this illness.

I was a happy teenager, I made the most out of what I had. Me and my father went from best friends to enemies and to best friends again. It is hard living in a house as the eldest child. Your siblings get all the love and attention, and you ... you’re just a burden but you make the most of it and continue with a strong will to succeed. I was a thrill seeker, I was able to swim and go diving, front row seat on a roller coaster, go-karting, and fast cars. Today, my anxiety is so high that if I tried any of those things, I would either have an anxiety/panic attack or I would pee myself in fear. So much has changed from when I was younger, with what I can and cannot do now. As I now almost hit my 30s I find I get scared more easily. I take things to heart a lot more and I am very cautious and weary.

All I know is not to give up, but the last week so far nearing the end of 2017 I want to give up. I feel I can't take the pain anymore. It is too much to handle. Feeling like I'm worthless, intolerable, an emotional wreck (crazy, psycho). It’s too much for me to take in. I don't want to deal with everything thrown my way anymore, the load has become so heavy I can barely get out of bed. I am terrified to leave the apartment, even if it’s to take my dog outside to do her business.

What has my life come to?

Should I give up?

Why does anyone even want me around? I am nothing.

Living a life with mental illness is and always will be one of the many biggest struggles of human life. Get the help, meditate, do something to calm your nerves. Find YOU again. It is not as easy as it looks, but everyone will get there eventually. My journey has taken me until now to realize how valuable my life can be and how scared I am to throw it all away. I want the help, I need the help; but with this help I need that support system to help me throw my struggles. It’s an addiction, it’s the one thing that will eat you alive.

You’re stronger than you think.