Me and My Mental Health

As a child, I always knew I was a different to other children, my physical appearance grew stranger as I aged, the issue of my lazy eye as a child formed one eye to look slightly different to my other making me a target for bullies.

Yes, physical appearance played its role in my lack of self-esteem and the way I was seeing life, but something more was happening and for almost a decade, I didn't know what. Until I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and given the possible diagnosis for borderline personality disorder (which, please believe I am not self-diagnosing, I have an assessment for a personality disorder, I just want to be honest and speak of my experiences).

Growing up, mental illness was taboo, you were immediately branded to be "crazy" or a "nut job" as some family members so gracefully named me. My anger is my worst enemy, the bubbling feeling which could come on at any moment, as I'm writing this, I could begin to feel the cycle starting over and over again. Irritable, crying for no reason, pure rage (which usually is a warning for me to stay well clear of those who I'm struggling to deal with), followed by deep regret and then nothing. Absolute darkness. My mind turns to dust and I no longer remember everything which has happened within the hours of my cycle beginning and that is truly terrifying.

I've woken up in my bed, tears streaming down my face, without any recollection of what happened until hours later when slowly pieces of my memory will return but even then, there is still a hole, something missing.

Don't get me wrong, I've mastered blocking out the hurt I've known my life very very well and it could be an automatic defensive mechanism I didn't know I had until recently despite these blackouts of memory occurring many times from the age of ten. Living in a bad environment which is slowly improving, coping with members of family feeling the need to down my spirits about my career aspirations, which has delayed my study for five years. Although I believe to have mastered blocking out those negative people in my life now, there are scars which are embedded in my mind, one immediately comes to mind as I write, the day I heard my uncle (close fatherly figure) speak the words that he believed I should be sectioned, for everyone’s sake. I felt like I was being treated like some feral beast who deserved nothing but to be locked away so everyone could pretend that I didn’t exist. Now I know, they are those delightful people who believe that mental health is a ticking time bomb, a contagious disease that from being around someone with depression or anxiety, automatically means that your going to catch it too. I didn’t find out I was suffering from a mental illness until I was 18 years of age. I am still the same person, just with a little extra added to the sides.

Who knows what caused my mental illnesses, maybe one day I will find the answer, but in all honesty, it has made me a better person. Now I've got controlling my very intense emotions down until I'm in my private spaces of my house, out on a walk or through writing, whatever helps, is a big achievement for anyone and especially me, who once believed I was destined for nothing but a life of pain and misery. I'm not going to skirt around it and say that my life is all sunshine and daisies because it's not, I have my dark days but those dark days bring me out fighting stronger and brighter.

"And rain will make the flowers grow." You have to go through the dark times, but the storms will pass.

Now, I'm seeking help. Finally after being diagnosed for three years, rejected from therapists and told nothing can be done to help me because of how "negative" I see everything. I'm due a new appointment to see a new therapist, I'm back at school (online) and working on myself and my mental health in order to go to university and live my life the way I always wanted to.

I’m the loneliest I’ve ever been but also the happiest. I’ve had the courage to stand up for myself, rid myself of the negative people in my life even though it was exceedingly difficult and took months to achieve. I proudly admit I have no friends in my life currently and that’s ok, I’m smiling more and that is showing me that I am strong. I’m not a weak character and I’m going to carry on smiling. Proving myself wrong. Taking it step by step until I can finally say "Well done, you did it." That day will be the day I graduate from university with my animal-related degree, ready to pursue the career I aspired to and I will do it. I will succeed. And so will you!

Don't always believe what people say, you are strong and you are brave enough to do whatever you want to do, believe in yourself and you'll see yourself in a whole new light.

Stay well my lovelies and I wish you all the best.