Musings of a Mental Mind

It seems so simple to those living on the outside living with mental illness isn't an excuse they say. Not caring that some days it's hard just to drag myself out of bed. I have heard it all my entire life. “It's all in your head,” they say. Yet they don't see the demons constantly following me. Mentally I am trapped and unable to escape the mental hell I live in everyday.

To most looking in I have a wonderful life. There isn't much more a person could want a loving spouse, surrounded by family with a child that is in good health. Yet there are still those days I wonder why I am even here. To function in public I have to force myself, put a face smile on so that people think I am alright when really I just want to be locked in the dark confines of my room.

Panic eats at me when I come across a situation where I am thrust into the public eye. I reach a point where I no longer know who I am. Those whispers, the laughs are they because of me? The panic sets in and I can't stop what's going to happen. It starts first with the shaking and then the tears pour down my face hot and wet soaking whatever shirt I am wearing.

I have asked myself many times why does this happen to me? Why can't I be normal? For my family it will mean that there will be days that I can't be around them because I need the time and space to think. While I know that some days I will be able to enjoy games and fun. It feels like this cycle is unending. From one extreme to the next even I wonder if there is sanity in it all.

The struggles have led to me creating a safe space for myself where I can free think. Even when I am at the lowest I find that writing or reading tends to bring me back to a neutral space where I can breathe and refocus on the things that seem to be spinning out of control. While these methods don't always work it has brought some relief to me.

It starts with understanding that you can't blame yourself when you have a bad day. You have to stand up and keep moving even when you don't want to. The good and the bad will both come but if you work through it slowly it becomes easier and easier to breathe. To understand that you aren't alone and others feel the way you do.

You have to reach out and build a support system for yourself. At first it will be terrifying but even I have learned that there are days I can't get through this illness alone. The panic and fear will consume me and so I have to rely on those closest to me to help me shelter the burden of mental illness. Day by day step by step you will find that if you just keep going things will get better.

I wonder sometimes if there are others who know this form of pain. The silent suffering that comes from being alone in the sense that no one can relate to what you go through. The constant changes of mood that never seem to cease. First being happy and thankful for all you have to wondering if you truly deserve all of it.

There isn't a right or wrong answer to mental illness it affects us all differently. People on the outside don't always understand pain if they can't see it. It's easier to believe something tangible than something that appears to only exist in the mind. It seems that for now there is no cure for what I have but I feel the need to put it out there so that others who have issues may know. I understand you, I come from a non judgmental place.