My Experience with Depression and Living with Cerebral Palsy

We all go through trials and tribulations in life, some more than others, but we all share the world. From a very young age we learn that nothing is guaranteed. Throughout my life with Cerebral Palsy, I've experienced many surgeries, being sent to a hospital school to live for 9 years, and being speech impaired all my life. I've learned to deal with all kinds of situations being on my own. I learned to work with the life that God gave me; did I live it perfectly? No, I had what most of us had: good times and bad times.

In June 2014 I began to spiral downward. My 50th birthday came and went as I slipped more and more into a deep deep depression. I couldn't sleep, eat, or even think straight, I just wanted it to end. No more frustrations, no more looking for help, no more having to depend on other people, no more hurting, no more effort to talk, no more worries, all I wanted was for it to be over. I had a lot of guilt, A LOT of guilt. Guilt about how I lived my life, about everything, I felt guilty about my parents having to have deal with me growing up with Cerebral Palsy. I don’t know why I felt that way, I just did. I felt as if I had disappointed my mother and my father, but most importantly, my son. I felt guilty about him having to take care of me as he was growing up, when I should have been taking care of him. I felt like I robbed my own son of his teenage years because I depended so much on him. It wasn’t easy for any of us, but we did it. I did it.

When I went to the hospital, they didn’t know what to do with me; they had never dealt with someone living with Cerebral Palsy and battling depression. I needed a lot of attention because I couldn't do anything for myself. My mind and my body completely shut down on me. I really thought I was in hell, my hell. All my fears were coming to get me, I thought God was trying to punish me; I had been going back and forth to the hospital for eight months. They gave me all kinds of medications that did nothing but made things worse. I had my family and my friend constantly beside me. I tried to tell them but they all thought I was out of my mind, but I wasn’t out of my mind, I was stuck and I couldn't find my way out. It would replay over and over and over what I did with my life. I wasn't allowed to see the friends that I was asking for because they thought my friends were to blame for my depression. If I had them then I may have been able to come out of it, but that didn't happen.

I finally came home to my life and all the people that were trying to help me. My brother called me one day and he told me that he would stay in the dark with me as long as I wanted him to. He said something to me that was kind of funny; he told me to picture an elephant relieving himself and getting rid of all the toxins in his body (mind you, I made this version reader-friendly). I laughed at him, then I came up with my own. I pictured a hot air balloon with all kinds of little balloons containing all the bad things that I was feeling in them. I would take out one at a time and I would give them to God, because I knew I couldn't deal with them on my own; so I'd give them to the one person I knew that could, which brought me out of the dark and into the light.

After that day, my life turned around. I’m feeling happy again and I’m looking at life in a whole different way. I feel like a great weight has been lifted off me. I have been given good friends, a great family, and a wonderful church and so many blessings, which was why I chose to be baptized last year to start over and renew my life, my spirit, and my soul. I have given my life to God and now I live my life for him, and with the help of my pastor and bible study teacher, I've been able to do just that. In some ways they are my heroes; they showed me how to regain my strength and have faith in my life again.

I thank everyone that has helped me through the most difficult time of my life, especially my chosen sister, who had to type this for hours (she types as fast as I think) and continues to put up with me every day.

I am proud to say that I am a survivor of depression and I couldn't have done it without the love and support.

Due to depression, I have turned my experience into a lifelong mission of teaching people to love more and worry less, and how to be a survivor.