Struggle

Everyone has a story to tell. The story is as unique as the individual who tells it. One person's story may overlap another person's. There are parts of a story that may be difficult for the person to tell. Yet, under the right circumstances, the person just may open up and give parts of their story to open ears that are willing to accept.

For the longest time I had undiagnosed anxiety and depression. On top of that, I have unilateral hearing loss. The hearing loss I have is a birth defect; my mom has conflicting stories of how the defect came about. Yet, the hearing loss is something I have been struggling to adapt to all of my life, and is a contributing factor to the anxiety and depression. I constantly felt that something was wrong with me, like I was broken, or didn't deserve to be a part of something in this life. I didn't know how to cope, or know what was out there to battle the negativity I was bottling up until I was in junior high.

Junior high was a world of its own, in which I was able to escape from after poetry was introduced for creative writing in English class. After the spark of passion was ignited to write poetry, I continued to write throughout high school and into adulthood. As time went on, my poetry got darker and menacing, and the anxiety and depression kept getting worse. The anxiety and depression got so bad that I would have mood swings that seemed impossible to control, and thoughts and actions of suicide began to come to fruition. Sadly, there were members of my family that were encouraging me to commit the act of suicide. There was one family member that intervened and forced me to see my doctor for some medical intervention. Since my late twenties I have been on various cocktails of pills for the anxiety and depression.

I was able to leave the toxic environment that was pushing me to the brink of suicide, thanks to the help of a community service provider. Yet there are still occasions when the anxiety and depression get the best of me, and now have more coping skills other than writing poetry, alongside an expanded community support, that I can utilize as necessary.

I know what it is like to live in a world where it seems like you are all alone and nobody seems to care. For those who are struggling with any kind of health issue, there is help out there, and we shouldn't let the stigma around it be the cause of why we don't ask for help. Shatter the stigma. Shatter the boundaries. Get the help you need and deserve, because you are not alone. Look for the community connections in your area, go online for the forums that will build you up rather than break you down. I am only one person, and I hope to eventually make a difference in someone's life. It may not be today. It may not be tomorrow. It may not be this week. Yet I do hope that someone reads this, and understands that I too felt alone and thought that the only way out was to end my life. I am still here, I am still struggling on levels that not everyone may understand. I truly hope that I give hope to at least one person to continue on, because you are more valuable than you realize to the people around you in one way or another. It's too early to give up and you are special just the way you are.