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Surviving Suicide

Shining light in our darkest corners.

By Michael ThielmannPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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I have dedicated much of my life and career to helping people confront some of the most taboo issues we face as a society. Openly discussing and helping people with suicide and suicidal tendencies has been near and dear to my heart for many years.

I have lost many friends and loved ones over the years both to direct suicide and also to drug overdoses and alcohol abuse. I myself went through a profound period of suicidal depression where I wasn't sure if I would be safe from my own hand. After recovering from this time of intense suffering I was even more motivated to shine light on this difficult aspect of human life.

It was a tragic irony that part of what helped me through this phase was witnessing friends and family die by suicide and feel the pain of their absence. I remember in my youth asking myself, "How could they do this to me?" Of course, people who die by suicide do not intend to hurt anyone; the pain they are feeling exceeds their ability to cope with it.

Some people say that suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness. This doesn't have to be punitive or condemnatory towards that person; indeed, it can be a compassionate realization. Human beings can become so self-focused and overwhelmed with physical, emotional, and spiritual pain that they see only one possibility. It is like being lost in our separate self and the absence of true connection to others.

Unfortunately, it is only posthumously that the connection we all share is then realized by the loved ones. A spiritually-oriented thought experiment that can be helpful for someone contemplating suicide can proceed as follows:

If I am thinking of killing myself, I can give myself permission to play the tape through to its conclusion. I have done the act, my body has died, and I witness a family member or even a stranger stumble upon my body. Assuming death of the body is not death of the soul, how would I feel being able to witness my friends and family react to my taking of my own life? Perhaps I would feel my own pain ripple out to those I left behind.

It can definitely feel as though the pain people were feeling prior to their death is blasted out and spread among their survivors after their suicide. It is also very easy to blame ourselves for why the person we care about would choose to end their own life. I have found myself on more than one occasion asking the common questions: "Could I have said something different? What did I do wrong the last time we spoke..."

This is part of the pain that is shared after someone dies by suicide; we as survivors can be wracked with guilt, regret, and a sense of blaming ourselves.

Every time I lose someone to direct suicide or an overdose I allow myself to go through this grief cycle and sense of self-doubt. When someone leaves us in this way, the realization of how much they mean to us can be felt more strongly than if they had died in old age of a terminal illness.

Many clients I have spoken to simply ask, "Why?" If someone close to them dies by suicide. Why didn't they ask me for help? Why didn't I know something was wrong?

There are few things that can elicit more pain than losing a loved one in this manner. The doubt, self-blame, and overall grief that is felt can be palpable and at times all pervasive.

When people speak to me about their own suicidal ideations they certainly have my empathy and full attention. Working with someone who is seriously considering this option is one of the hardest parts of being a mental health professional and indeed a human being in general.

Getting to the root of someone's pain needs to be an important focus. Simply hospitalizing, medicating, and telling people not to kill themselves may work in the short-term but there is much to be addressed under the surface.

A big part of what has helped in my own case and with my clients is to consider the impact our suicide will have on others regardless of what we believe about life after death, the nature of the self, is there a soul, etc.

I remember thinking things like, "No one would care if I died anyway..."

I have heard many clients and friends speak in these terms in their darkest moments. Sometimes the only thing I can do is simply let them know that, at the very least, I care very much about them and would indeed miss them very much if they made this irreversible choice.

depression
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About the Creator

Michael Thielmann

I am an addiction and mental health counsellor living in Salmon Arm British Columbia. I love engaging with people about overcoming any challenges in their life and being vulnerable and open about my own process as well. <3

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