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The Diagnosed 'Crazy'

Am I Borderline or just a bully?

By Shanelle ♔Published 6 years ago 7 min read
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There are people amongst us all who've suffered some form of childhood trauma and as a result of that they're now strong, wise individuals who've become the opposite of their perpetrators, and that's amazing. However, there are also people who have absorbed the behaviours they found themselves victim to as a child and it now reflects in their everyday lives, and that's okay too. Does this make the latter group weaker than their counterparts? Of course not. Everybody grows and learns differently; a lot of who we are today is a result of how our experiences have affected us and more often than not, people don't just get to choose how certain events effect them, especially not as children.

Like most, I grew up completely unaware of this. I was bullied at school for being the one who read books and didn't take an interest in the playground fights. I was also bullied at home and experienced more violence than I could really handle. However, this should never be mistaken for an excuse. I continued to quietly observe the world around me while displaying good manners and a huge smile wherever I went and regardless of how I felt. I was even described as angelic. That was of course, until I grew into a resentful teenager and somebody had the audacity to 'cross' me.

This first started to happen in high school. If someone so much as looked at me in the wrong way, it would make my blood boil and that was quite literally. I'd feel a warm flush come over me and a funny feeling in my chest, almost like an adrenaline rush. It was like a shield of aggression I'd developed to avoid ever feeling the way I was made to feel as a child again. Although I'd never act unless 'triggered', the retaliation was often hugely out of proportion and in the form of a persistent series of events until I felt as though I'd 'won'. In my eyes winning was making the other person feel worse than they'd made me feel and when called out, my argument was always the classic "but they started it!". I never actually stopped to think 'maybe they hadn't meant to make me feel that way' I was labelled by teachers as a bully and so I accepted that this was what I was and would always be.

Little did I realise that when I'd leave school to really experience the big wide world, there would be people out there who would not only upset me accidentally, but also on purpose and without a second thought. Of course, this caused tremendous problems and by the age of 21 I had a string of failed relationships and friendships behind me which had all ended explosively; some of the consequences included police involvement, an anger management session, eviction from the room I was renting and disciplinary action at college and uni. I began to question how I'd gotten to this point; I was attending lectures alone as I no longer had friends, any guys who intended to become involved with me would be warned by their peers to steer clear, and my family no longer wanted me around because I was too problematic. More people hated me than loved me yet ironically, to be loved was all I'd ever really wanted and it was only when people displayed the opposite of that, especially those closest to me, that I was taken over by this rage. A lot of this perceived hostility or rejection from others was simply a product of my own overthinking, or a product of difficult situations I'd created for people who I felt were getting too close to me as a way of 'testing' them to ensure they wouldn't eventually hurt me. I was my own worst enemy and this defence 'shield' that I'd created, I now saw as a monster inside of me that I wanted rid of, and so the self-hatred began.

I was filled with regret, branded by ex-friends, ex-lovers and even by myself as evil, crazy and just an all around terrible person. When people would first meet me and I was able to completely be myself while the monster was at bay, they'd comment on how sweet I was and I'd feel even worse; as though I was lying to the world and I didn't deserve to hear such kind words when my own words were usually so full of hate. I had no idea who I really was. It came to the point where I'd meet someone new and I'd be the first to warn them about me. I'd tell them I'm not a nice person and that things will probably end badly... and 99% of the time I was right.

I began to search online for possible explanations as to why I acted the way I did and I soon realised that the way I responded to people during these episodes of rage was exactly how people had acted towards me when I was young, right down to the tone they'd use when talking down to me, and the main reason I couldn't hold down a relationship may be because I'd never actually been around a healthy relationship to really understand what one looks like. Using this information and hoping this meant there was still a chance I could turn things around, I tried and tried to control my reactions to issues that to any normal person would be viewed as quite minor, but I still failed over and over. I'd attempted to seek help numerous times but was never really taken seriously. People who'd just met me would say 'I can't ever imagine a girl like you being nasty to anyone' and doctors would dismiss my issues as depression or stress. It was only when I gave up on this and began my attempts at destroying this monster inside myself using alcohol, drugs and self-harm, that my cry for help was eventually heard and at the age of 23. I was finally assessed thoroughly. I was classed as an 'urgent case' and it was decided that I'd need 6 months of therapy.

At 24, I now look back at those I used to be so close to, who left after I'd put them through hell until they couldn't take it anymore all because they'd accidentally hurt my feelings, and I see now that they'd never actually meant any harm. Those who'd purposely hurt me never deserved the time and effort I put into hurting them back, because in the end I only ended up hurting myself even more. I now know that it's pointless to wonder where I might be had I not pushed/scared so many people away over the last 10 years, and that blaming those who may have ruined my childhood only holds me back. In order to let go of the resentment and become the person I'm meant to be, I have to keep moving forward and stop looking back (as cliche as that sounds!). This 'monster' I had living inside of me is also known as 'Borderline Personality Disorder' and if it were to be put before us, it would be in the form of a crying little girl reaching out for someone to finally make her feel like she's worth something... not a monster at all. So the secret all along wasn't to hate myself but to love myself, so that this little girl inside can realise that the world isn't against her after all and she can finally grow up.

So I urge anybody reading this to go easy on yourself and those around you. Too many people are struggling on a daily basis to separate themselves from their negative emotions and are failing to distinguish between who their ego tells them to be and who they really are. When an individual is led to believe that they are a bad person as a result of behaviour they're unable to control, it can lead to extreme and sometimes devastating consequences. Although there may be legit reasons behind why a person is the way they are, that doesn't make them a prisoner to their experiences and despite not being able to change what happened in the past, there's always time to change who you are. Keep an open mind and if you're one of the lucky ones with enough self-control to walk away from bad situations rather than inflicting more pain on the person behind it or even better if you're able to offer help and wise words, please do it. You may just become someone's hero.

personality disorder
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