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The Mask that Hides Us

The Difference Between the Person You Present and the One Inside

By Vanessa Cherron RiserPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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Photo by Chris Barbalison Unsplash

There you are, smiling, laughing, dying on the inside. It is a difficult life to live when you suffer from severe depression and have to function as a normal human being. People don’t understand the weight the disease has on you, and yes, depression is a disease. So you put on that mask, and pretend to be happy when all you really want to do is curl up and hide away from the world.

According to Mental Health America, more than 16 million people suffer from major depression every year just in America alone. That is 6.7 percent of the American population. Most of them force themselves to live normal lives, go to work, participate in family activities, and even socialize with friends. I know I do. However, a lot of times, it feels more like putting on a mask and pretending to be okay, when inside you are dying.

I have had moments of depression where the weight of it was so strong it was physically painful. The intensity of it has caused rifts between me and some of my closest friends and family. I can’t count the number of times I have gotten in fights because of my own feelings of self-loathing clouding my perception. While I try to continue to have normal relationships with the people in my life, I also actively push them away, hoping they will give up and leave me alone. This is especially true of new people in my life, as the connection is less strong.

The worst part is, a lot of people who suffer from depression have no idea that is what is wrong. It can burrow into you and settle into the pit of your soul long before you realize it is there. Often, there isn’t even a true cause for it. Depression can start because of a culmination of little things, piling on top of each other one after another. It can become easy to be overwhelmed with life and the world around you, and before you know it, you just don’t want to deal with it anymore.

My depression has come and gone over the years. At one point, I even participated in a day treatment program to try and help with the symptoms. I have been put on a lot of medications, some of which made me feel like little more than a zombie shuffling around in the world. I wasn’t less depressed, I just didn’t care how I felt anymore. It still wasn’t much of a life, but at least I was sleeping and spending time out of my bedroom.

Realizing that medication was not the answer, I sought out other forms of self-healing. I have tried diet, yoga, exercise, writing, aromatherapy, just about anything you can think of. Sometimes they work, and I am functioning and happy. Sometimes, nothing helps and the dark pit opens up. I pull back out those masks and begin to wear them again because it is what I have learned to do over the years.

One of the worst parts about this is that my family takes it personally. They think that because I am depressed that they don’t make me happy. That couldn’t be furthest from the truth. In fact, if not for my friends and family, I am not sure I would be alive today. Sure, even in my darkest moments I have shining moments of happiness. But they are moments, fleeting with every passing second. The depression doesn’t exist outside where my friends and family can see them. They exist internally, in a dark playground created by my own mind.

I have gotten to the point lately where I realize I need more help than my self-healing can give me. I have recently set up an appointment to meet with a doctor. I still am not sure medications are the answer, but I will at least be seeing a professional to help me through this dark time. Hopefully, they can aid me with taking the mask off and moving forward in my life. I want to be happy. Sometimes, I just don’t know how to be.

Like with my weight loss journey, I will also be writing about my journey to happiness. Make sure to check out my other articles on mental health, and as always, if your heart leads you to, leave a gift.

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About the Creator

Vanessa Cherron Riser

Vanessa is a wife and mother who loves games, books, movies and more. In 2015 she made a commitment to health and fitness which she wishes to share with others.

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