Walking My Own Path

It's fun to go out and have fun with friends. It can be even more fun to throw in a few shots or cocktails while doing so. This can become a pattern, but even then, it isn't always a problem.

It becomes a problem when those drinks become more than just a couple, those nights out become nights in and almost every night. When drinking becomes your biggest coping skill, then it is a problem.

I was a social drinker for a couple of years before things exploded. My marriage was falling apart. Our communication stopped due to fighting constantly. I couldn't take it. I felt like a failure. I was a mess because of it. I drank away my feelings because they were hard to face. It hurt so much to watch. While drinking, I once fell off a barstool and hit my head, cracking open my left eyebrow.

I still did not learn. I kept drinking, right through the suicide of someone very close to me. I drank throughout the day, on weekends, whenever I could. Again, the pain was just too much. I needed an escape. After arguing with the girlfriend of a friend, I decided to see a therapist to help with this and other issues. I had become someone that I didn't recognize. I was angry, sad, and not anywhere close to who I used to be. Therapy helped a lot, and I began to cut back on my drinking. I didn't stop, but I drank less. I wasn't ready to stop just yet.

In late 2016, I had labs drawn for thyroid issues. My doctor called to let me know that my liver had sustained damage from all the drinking. If I stopped at this point, it would be able to repair itself. If not, it would not. Things would get worse. It was time to get my priorities straightened out. I had to think long-term, past drinking and having fun. I had to get back to what was really important.

My sobriety date is 1/1/2017. My last binge was the night before and it was a pretty bad one. I don't even remember most of that night or the next day.

I have three kids and a husband that need me. I have myself to live for. Through lots of therapy, I have developed a lot of better coping skills. I have learned to love myself a lot more. Some days have been incredibly difficult to get through and I have wanted a drink, but I am happy to say that I have not drunk any alcohol.

The path of recovery is not easy. Even with a lot of support, I still have urges to drink. I have to distract myself somehow. I have to remind myself of how far I have come and that I don't want to ruin my progress. I listen to music, call or text a friend or my husband. I try to figure out the exact feeling I have and try to alleviate the issue. Writing helps. Coloring in adult coloring books helps my anxiety, one of my biggest triggers. Recently, I have begun going out with different friends that drink, and it is somewhat awkward, but still fun. They know that I no longer drink, but it wasn't an issue. Some people don't understand this, and those are the people I stay away from. It is nice, however, to wake up after hanging out with friends and actually remember what happened the night before.

This is a path that many people walk. I know that I am not alone. I am very grateful for the help I have had so far. I am excited for what is yet to come.