Welsh Girl Blog

Hello world!

Hope you're all having a great day wherever you might be!

It's actually snowing where I live, which is a miracle, considering we haven't had snow in like five years! It was such a lovely surprise when I woke up this morning to a sheet of white snow outside.

I'm writing this blog, not only because I have a huge passion for writing in general, but also because I want to reach out to people who might be going through a hard time right now. I know what it feels like to be alone, sometimes even when you're a part of a big group. It doesn't mean you're happy or that those people are even true friends. Whether you're just feeling really lonely right now, low in confidence, getting bullied at school, anxious or depressed, I just want you to know that you're not alone! We're all fighting this together and instead of dealing with it ourselves, there is help available. It's good to talk about it.

I just wanted to talk to you guys about my teenage years. When I was sixteen, I had just finished school and was starting a new chapter of my life — college.I've always been a shy and quiet person, but coming from school, I found it extremely difficult to speak to people and make friends. Most people my age were either talking about weight, sex, boys or going out drinking. I found most of those conversations really awkward to be around because I felt like I had no experiences to share. Those topics were mentioned a lot, so hardly avoidable in social situations, but seriously... hasn't anyone got anything else to talk about these days?

I had a plan after finishing school. I was going to study performing arts in the hopes of making new friends and gaining my confidence back. The course helped in some ways. I grew more passionate about my music and I was more able to just start singing in front of people without having an emotional breakdown beforehand.

However...

I didn't find a friend at the performing arts course, which made things so much harder for me. The group wasn't very big, but I felt so quiet and awkward compared to everybody else. It's like I didn't belong. Whenever somebody included me, just for a second, I was so happy and felt like I was wanted. But then, other times, they would ignore me and leave me out completely. I didn't understand what I was doing wrong. I've always been a friendly person, and I really tried to get involved in conversations and be nice to everyone, but I realise now that I was so desperate to make friends that I was people pleasing my way through.

I wasn't being true to myself. And those people didn't understand. They didn't care. They had no idea what I was dealing with or going through. I didn't even understand it at the time.

There came a point where I decided I just couldn't do it anymore. I was lonely and disconnected. I was having these horrible thoughts go through my mind about how I looked physically and my anxiety was so high. I really didn't think I was going to finish the year off. I did manage to stick it out though, and I'm actually really glad I did, because I didn't let those people win.

I started to notice things about myself I never had in school. Like, I would be checking myself in the mirror constantly and I would always make sure I was completely covered up from head to toe, so no skin was showing. I would wear scarves in the summer and, even though I was boiling, I would not take them off in case people commented on how 'skinny' my neck looked.

This became a constant routine for me. I would walk into college, head straight for the toilets, check my makeup was okay (which would only upset me more, because it never looked okay in my opinion) and then I'd head to class, feeling worse than I had before.

I have never been officially diagnosed, but all of the professionals I've spoken to have told me I have body dysmorphic disorder and social anxiety. I walk into a busy place and start to tremble — ready for the worst possible thing to happen. I feel so alone, even in the company of others. I sometimes feel choked up with emotion through no reason whatsoever — like I can’t breathe. My neck goes all stiff and tense, and I find it hard to swallow. I either fight it or I run away. There is no in between.

Body dysmorphia has been controlling me for a long time now, and I don't know when it first started to take hold of me. I may have always had it, or it may have started when I was sixteen, I guess I'll never know. But it controls the way I think others perceive me and how I perceive myself. I spend hours stressing over clothes and hair and makeup, worried that the world will laugh at me if I don’t dress right or if my hair is sticking out in odd places.

If any of you out there are suffering with BD, then you know how it feels to strive for perfection that in all honestly, you’re never going to get. You know how it feels to walk down a street and feel like THE WHOLE UNIVERSE is sat there judging you. You know what it’s like to look in the mirror and see a ghost of a person — somebody you don’t really know — a person who is just about existing.

That’s why it’s so frustrating. It’s not as simple as wanting to change one or two small things about yourself, it’s about wanting to change everything — your whole self.

We’re all striving for a perfection that doesn’t exist.

From one outsider to another...

Welsh Girl x