'You're Fine'

As a child, I grew up in a suburban town north of Atlanta. This town was affluent, high achieving, and expected a lot from the people that lived there. It was always a constant struggle to always be the best and have to constantly compete with everyone else. Showing vulnerability and weakness was not something that was widely accepted, especially when judgement was always being passed around. As a child, many concerns of mine were overlooked until I had made them so adamant to take them upon myself to get them dealt with. For all my family knew, I was your average white suburban boy just going through the motions of life. Little did they know, I was a severely anxious homosexual with trust issues, and in need of attention. I had a rocky relationship with my father after he had cheated on my mother with my current stepmother and was a perpetual liar. I never knew whether I could count on the things he would say or if they were going to come to fruition. He loved promising things that he knew he could never deliver, which was the worst part. As I had gotten older, the animosity between my older sister and my father had started to seep into my life as well. I became less naïve when it came to believing things that he had said. His grand ideas of taking us on cruises and beach vacations were never going to come true and I finally had to realize that.

I grew up quickly. I have always been quite mature for my age, and I tend to attribute that to the fact that I had to be my own father. While my dad was still in the picture, he had become less and less of a dad and more of a friend figure. I knew how to be a better father than he did and so, from my early teenage years, I knew that I would do whatever in my power not to end up like him. I would finish college. I would get a stable job. I would not lie compulsively just to make others happy. I would be better. This poor relationship with my father would eventually lead to being one of the most prominent reasons I would develop severe anxiety and depression. As I first tried telling my family, I was told "You're fine..." and "Nothing is wrong with you, you are just a normal kid." Being neglected the attention I had needed for so long was a hard pill to swallow and ended up becoming more detrimental. I would start to lash out occasionally, become an arrogant asshole because of my own insecurity, and eventually cause me to think negatively about my entire high school experience.

I have always felt that, because I looked fine on the outside, people didn't really care about how I was on the inside. I learned how to hide my emotions very well, how to suppress my feelings, and develop the feeling that I wasn't cared about. Soon, I would start to go above and beyond in everything that I did to try and get attention. My cry for help was so obvious that it was looked over. My goal to finally get attention ended up causing me to be looked over even more. One night I had sat down with my dad and stepmom to tell them finally how I had felt that I was always being looked over and I was fourth in command. Every parent had their favorite and somehow I wasn't one. Their response to that accusation was that I had always seemed like I never needed anything or any help, so they didn't feel like they had to offer it. My very need for attention had actually caused me to get less attention. Until I had spoken up that night, I hadn't expressed many of my issues to anyone, being afraid of the judgement and the fear of being looked at as "weak."

In this society of having the desire to be better than someone else, be in competition, and to put yourself ahead, being humble and content is difficult. Showing weakness or vulnerability is one of the hardest things to do, but I'll be damned if I hadn't finally done it. I ended up going to counseling, therapy, being treated for anxiety, and came out as a homosexual male. The weight that had been lifted off my shoulders merely by showing that I wasn't perfect was so freeing.

It is okay to be yourself and to show that you have flaws. If someone judges you for them, that is just them showing their own insecurity. Be yourself and have an open mind, you never know who isn't actually "fine."