10 Things I Wish I Could Tell People About My Depression
If I could get over it, I would have a long time ago.
Today, I got up and washed my hair.
I wish I didn't feel pathetic when I say that I was proud of myself. But if I'm being honest, I do because this is what depression has done to me.
I've been in a constant battle with depression for as long as I could remember. I can't remember a long period of time when I was truly in joy. Any moment of happiness or even joy was rare. Every time I think I overcome it, it just keeps coming back.
I don't if I'll ever recover from it. I also don't know how to tell the people in my life that I think I've given up fighting. There are a lot of things I wish I could tell everyone about what depression is truly like for me because maybe then they'll understand that it's not a paper cut that heals just like that. It's a monster.
- Getting through the day is a job in itself. Life had become a retail job that I dread going to. But I go through with it because it’s necessary. Getting through the day with depression is like you’re dragging your feet.
- The future is one big black hole. No matter how hard I try, I can't see anything beyond what I'm seeing now. Before, the future seemed colorful and bright, full of all kinds of dreams. But depression has darkened that, sucking them into a void.
- Sleep became my best friend. I'm tired all the time and just go to bed because that's the only time I can fully escape depression. When I sleep, the world grows quiet and I don’t have to hear the raging thoughts. I don’t have to remember the memories that make me curl up in fetal position.
- Nighttime is also a good friend. I'm tired, dragging my feet all day, but once night hits, I'm wide awake, full of energy I never knew I had. Night gives me hope for tomorrow even though it’s darkness.
- The things that I once enjoyed, I just can't anymore. It's what hurts me the most about this. I have to force myself to do things I'd normally love to do. The things that usually give me something to look forward to, I now dread. It sucks because it feels like I’ve betrayed a lover without meaning to.
- Happiness is only a spark. Joy is plain rare. If I am happy, it only lasts for a moment and I cherish that moment with all I am because I don't know when I'll experience it again. It such a bad feeling. Being happy and seeing light one moment but then it starts leaving you very slowly and you feel every inch of it.
- Everything is grey. It's like that episode of the Fairly Oddparents when all the characters were grey blobs. I want to see the sun but even when it’s there, bright in the sky, it’s a few shades darker in my eyes.
- I don't know how to be a good friend anymore. I want to be there but I just fall into isolation. I long to be surrounded by good friends and make memories but I’m afraid to unguard my heart because I don’t want them to see the monster sitting there.
- I feel like a burden. There are times when I feel like a decent person but most of the time I can’t help but feel like a heavy trash can. Depression convinces me that if I were gone, the world would be a whole lot better.
- But I want to live. I want to enjoy life and I don’t want to give up but it’s very hard. I hate how hard it is to live but I also have to take it one step at a time. I have to put one foot in front of the other.
About the Creator
Marie Cyprien
I'm a quiet writer with a colorful imagination. I love to eat and be nostalgic.
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