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10 Things I Wish I Could Tell People About My Depression

If I could get over it, I would have a long time ago.

By Marie CyprienPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Today, I got up and washed my hair.

I wish I didn't feel pathetic when I say that I was proud of myself. But if I'm being honest, I do because this is what depression has done to me.

I've been in a constant battle with depression for as long as I could remember. I can't remember a long period of time when I was truly in joy. Any moment of happiness or even joy was rare. Every time I think I overcome it, it just keeps coming back.

I don't if I'll ever recover from it. I also don't know how to tell the people in my life that I think I've given up fighting. There are a lot of things I wish I could tell everyone about what depression is truly like for me because maybe then they'll understand that it's not a paper cut that heals just like that. It's a monster.

  1. Getting through the day is a job in itself. Life had become a retail job that I dread going to. But I go through with it because it’s necessary. Getting through the day with depression is like you’re dragging your feet.
  2. The future is one big black hole. No matter how hard I try, I can't see anything beyond what I'm seeing now. Before, the future seemed colorful and bright, full of all kinds of dreams. But depression has darkened that, sucking them into a void.
  3. Sleep became my best friend. I'm tired all the time and just go to bed because that's the only time I can fully escape depression. When I sleep, the world grows quiet and I don’t have to hear the raging thoughts. I don’t have to remember the memories that make me curl up in fetal position.
  4. Nighttime is also a good friend. I'm tired, dragging my feet all day, but once night hits, I'm wide awake, full of energy I never knew I had. Night gives me hope for tomorrow even though it’s darkness.
  5. The things that I once enjoyed, I just can't anymore. It's what hurts me the most about this. I have to force myself to do things I'd normally love to do. The things that usually give me something to look forward to, I now dread. It sucks because it feels like I’ve betrayed a lover without meaning to.
  6. Happiness is only a spark. Joy is plain rare. If I am happy, it only lasts for a moment and I cherish that moment with all I am because I don't know when I'll experience it again. It such a bad feeling. Being happy and seeing light one moment but then it starts leaving you very slowly and you feel every inch of it.
  7. Everything is grey. It's like that episode of the Fairly Oddparents when all the characters were grey blobs. I want to see the sun but even when it’s there, bright in the sky, it’s a few shades darker in my eyes.
  8. I don't know how to be a good friend anymore. I want to be there but I just fall into isolation. I long to be surrounded by good friends and make memories but I’m afraid to unguard my heart because I don’t want them to see the monster sitting there.
  9. I feel like a burden. There are times when I feel like a decent person but most of the time I can’t help but feel like a heavy trash can. Depression convinces me that if I were gone, the world would be a whole lot better.
  10. But I want to live. I want to enjoy life and I don’t want to give up but it’s very hard. I hate how hard it is to live but I also have to take it one step at a time. I have to put one foot in front of the other.
depression
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About the Creator

Marie Cyprien

I'm a quiet writer with a colorful imagination. I love to eat and be nostalgic.

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