13 Reasons to Stay Alive

I have a lot of feelings about the new Netflix show, 13 Reasons Why. As a middle schooler, I read the novel by Jay Asher and fell in love with it. Hannah was likeable, a little dramatic, but relatable as a 13 year old who thought middle school was hard. I never gave too much thought to the plot but ravaged through the book in about a couple of hours and decided that I liked it, but never dove too deep into the heavy subjects brought up. I was fortunate to have never experienced super similar things to what Hannah went through in the book and had not yet felt the same things she was feeling.

Flash forward a couple of years and things are not quite the same. As a now 21 year old college student, the things Hannah experienced have become more fact than fiction. The topics are heavier to me because her feelings are ones that I have felt and her experiences are ones that I’ve seen impact the people around me. And this time around, I can’t really seem to shake the scenes that played out on my laptop screen.

First of all, I want to say that I thought the show was really important. Topics like sexual assault, depression, bullying and suicide are not ones that are portrayed realistically or frequently on the shows/movies teenagers tend to watch. I am really grateful for the way that the cast and crew have followed up since the show’s premiere just a few weeks ago. If you go to the website, you’ll find resources to aid those who are struggling with the topics discussed throughout the series. Just about every member of the cast and crew has made a social media post encouraging those who are struggling to seek help. I truly believe the show’s aim was to start a typically difficult conversation and I do think that the aim will probably start a really big movement in the mental health field. I’m really, really, really thankful for that.

However, I think almost all of you have probably heard at least one person mention the negative drawbacks of the show. It is graphic, to say the least. There are scenes that made me cringe, shrink back, and just straight up feel a lot of really heavy things, and I don’t think I’m alone in that. The author of the novel and a few cast members have commented on the fact that those scenes were intended to make us feel uncomfortable because it’s the reality of the experiences happening to those around us. I get that and I appreciate the thought that went into it, but I also think it can be a little (or a lot) damaging to those who had to see the things that have happened to them happen all over again. In my case, it was really hard to see the scene where Hannah ended her life. I understand the importance of showing exactly why and how Hannah did the things that she did. It is incredibly important for people to understand the gravity and the reality of the situation. However, it SUCKED to see every bad thought I had come to life. It was like every twisted daydream, every scary thought, every plan I ever had was laid right out in front of me in plain sight. And that really got me. It made my hands sweat, my body shake, and my mind run in every direction until it came to a halting stop. Maybe that was the intention of the scene, too. To remind people how scary and damaging and so very traumatic suicide is to everyone involved. If that’s the reason, the crew did an incredible job fulfilling that intention. It took me a couple of days to shake off the feeling that I was 14 years old and sad again, and it’s taken me a lot of prayers and conversations with people I love to feel like the show was just a show and that I’m okay. But the reality is, it’s not just a show and it’s probably a good thing to start talking to people about the way I’m feeling.

I’m afraid that while the show is really good and really important, it could cause more damage than intended. The scene was (maybe) needed and important, yes, but it unfortunately also gave people a pretty graphic and descriptive how-to on how to get the end goal accomplished. If I had watched that as a high school student, I don’t think that would have been a conversation starter, it would have been a license to a scary ending. The intention was to bring light and awareness to a dark reality of the world around us, but I think it caused a whole lot of collateral damage.

Here are a couple of ending thoughts, just because I have them and I don’t know how else to start to wrap up this blog post.

If I could talk to Hannah Baker, here’s what I would say.

First of all, I’m sorry for the things that have happened to you. No one deserves to feel the things you are feeling and no one deserves to be spoken to/treated the way you were treated. It’s okay to be upset and angry and devastated by the things and people that hurt you.

I wish I could tell you that you’re not alone in what you’re feeling. You are not the only one who hurts in your school. I wish I could tell you that teachers normally care more than counselors do, so you might want to try talking to one that you particularly like. As much as counselors want to care, there are so many students who come into their office wanting to talk about college and life after graduation that sometimes they are really thrown off when you actually have hurt going on in your life. Teachers, normally, are much more aware that students are real people with real feelings, and sometimes they know more of what to say and do than counselors who just want to help you schedule your classes. Or, if you’re lucky and your school has a couple of college kids who show up and want to hear about your life, maybe trust them and tag along when they invite you to Young Life club (this is clearly not a part of the book but seriously! every episode I kept saying that every kid needs a Young Life leader!) But in all seriousness, I wish I could tell you that no one knows how you’re feeling until you tell them. No one can read your mind. No one can know that you’re hurting until you say something. When your parents ask, they care. They might not always understand, but they want to help. I wish you had someone to share your burdens. We were never meant to do it alone.

I wish I could tell you that life gets a lot better after high school. I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but it’s true. As annoying as it is to hear and say, it’s true. There is a bigger world outside the walls of your high school. It is full of people, good and a little rough around the edges, who want to hear your story and want to help you grow. I wish you knew you had a future, a big and beautiful and chaotic future. I wish someone would have reminded you of that. There is more to life than high school.

I wish I could tell you that your feelings are not permanent. The way you are feeling now does not last forever. The hurt is painful. The voices are loud. The world feels so far away when you’re 16. It’s really hard to see passed today when you’re a sophomore. But the pain fades. The voices get quieter. The future gets brighter and closer and better. You just have to stick around to see it.

I wish I could tell you that suicide wasn’t the right choice. It wasn’t the only choice. The harder choice is living, I get that. But you have a purpose. You have a right to be here. You have a life that’s worth living and a future worth pursuing, and I wish someone could have shown you that.

I guess all of this is to say that I can’t stop thinking about Hannah Baker. 13 Reasons Why is a show that really broke my heart and woke me up again. I think this post was a big long mess of emotions that I’ve been feeling since I’ve watched the show. It was good. It was hard. I don’t know how exactly we’re supposed to move on from it but I’ll end with this: if you’ve experienced some sort of battle with depression or struggled with thoughts of suicide, please be careful and mindful of where you’re at when you’re watching the show. Lean on your friends, take advantage of the resources, and try to remember that the end lesson is that Hannah Baker’s choice was not the right one. The show wasn’t meant to glamorize a life ending to soon, it was meant to remind you to keep living yours.