14 Years

14 years ago I was overcoming an illness so bad that I was kept out of college for a near month. I was studying theatre and despite not feeling 100 percent I had to go and see Shakespeare’s Richard III; dreading it, I dragged myself along with all my classmates. This would seemingly be the beginning of the end.

Sat in the middle of a pin droppingly–silent audience, I had never felt so trapped in all my life. I wanted to leave. I asked my tutor if I could nip to the loo, she huffed, rolled her eyes and said, "This is important, you can’t miss anything or you’ll fail the exam." Having a slight complex with authority, I sat in a silent hell.

This feeling of absolute dread started to manifest in other ways from fidgeting to sweating; my agitated self couldn’t avoid others noticing me which, in turn, made my new anxiety hit new levels; my stomach started turning, I was now being very visibly and audibly noticeable, which is the one thing I don’t want to be and I can’t escape.

My heart was racing, my breath started to quicken, I felt like I was locked in a box, running out of air. My feet tapping away, my fingernails scratching along my thighs. My classmates started to turn around to see who was making a strange scene. Those closer to me started to snigger while I could feel the blood pumping through my ears, my stomach was going into overdrive, I could feel it and worst of all hear it, and what’s even worse is others could too. I couldn’t contain myself any further, this felt like hours and hours of torture. I could feel everyone's eyes in all directions, I could hear laughing as if it was right in my ears, I could hear my own breathing like it was louder than the actors on stage.

My tutor noticed me ages ago; I thought a good person would allow this student who is clearly struggling to be excused, but she threw me a look of annoyance with a silent ‘shut up.’ Nobody asked me if I was OK. I found within myself the tiniest amount of courage mixed with an enormous amount of desperation to jump out of my chair; dismissing my tutor trying to quietly but aggressively tell me to sit back down, I ran for my life. I’m standing in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, I was still sick. I splashed my face with water and told myself that I will never ever be in that situation ever again. 14 years on, I still can’t be in a room that is anything at all like that situation. 14 years on, what was a terrible moment in my life is now my illness.