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4. Depression

My Five Stages of Grief

drawings from literally 30 seconds before the fight with my dad

I've been depressed for about five years. For me, my depression doesn't really go away. It just gets better or worse. I was already very depressed from being in treatment for anorexia for three months and I was still in there when Katie died, which made things harder for me. Treatment was 10 hours a day, every day. It sucked but there were times where I wished I was back in there. My parents had also told us a month or so before her passing that they were getting divorced. I was going/ am still going through a lot all at once. It’s not easy. It’s been seven months since she died and I’m just now getting my shit together.

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As I mentioned before, this is how I was doing during this time:

“I had stopped eating and started to lose weight again.

I contemplated suicide every day.

I never wanted to leave my room.

I started doing online school, which meant I was always isolating.

I drank every night.

I was always high & I never slept.”

When I hung out with Evan, I would just cry and he’s the person that makes me the happiest. There were two different times we were having dinner at his house with his family and I had to go into his room because I was crying so much because I couldn’t eat.

I was very indecisive and it drove me absolutely insane. It was a new thing for me so it was hard to deal with. I could never make up my mind, even about the smallest things. I honest to God thought I was going crazy because of all of the things that were happening in my brain. I wanted to do everything I could to absolutely just destroy myself because I didn’t care and sometimes still don’t.

I wasn’t doing well then at all. That period of time was the worst I have ever been.

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One day, my dad, Evan and I got into a HUGE fight. It was so bad that the cops were called. I took all of the pills that I could without anyone knowing and when things got worse I tried to take more but they stuck their fucking fingers down my throat to get them out. I was almost admitted to a mental hospital but instead, I moved out of my dad’s house that day and moved in with Evan. (We’ve almost been together for two years now). That night, I was hallucinating and I was up all night. I’m pretty sure it was sleep paralysis because I remember laying there with my eyes open but not moving. I didn’t try to move. I heard Evan whisper in my ear multiple times but I wasn’t even with him. It was so weird but sometimes, I want that feeling back.

I kind of had a drinking problem for a while. Because of all of the meds that I’m on, my brain got used to always being drunk and when I was sober, all I could do was cry and think about killing myself. Thankfully, I got out of that but now I just smoke a lot of weed and my brain got used to that but technically it’s a hell of a lot better than drinking considering I am still 17. I have slowed down on the smoking in the past few days which I’m happy about.

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2018 was hell for me. The entire year was horrible and it was 100 percent the worst year I’ve ever had. It was just constant bad news. It’s finally 2019 though and I am doing so much better than I was a few months ago. I’m proud of myself for coming out of this because I almost didn’t.

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