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5. Acceptance

My Five Stages of Grief

Kinsley and I

Acceptance is the fifth and final step of the grieving process. It is when you accept the reality of your loss and understand that there’s nothing you can do to change it. It took me a very long time to get here because like I said many times before, I didn’t want to believe my sister was actually gone. Most people will never like this stage or want to get to it, because who wants to accept that the person we love will never be back on Earth with us?

It’s sometimes hard to tell when you’ve gotten to acceptance. Acceptance is one of the hardest stages to go through, for me at least.

It’s usually easy to tell when you’re having more good days than bad. You aren’t feeling stuck in the whole situation anymore. Once Katie visited me, as a ladybug, it was much easier for me to process everything. She visited me, she must be happy and I have to be okay with that.

Now, I can be around Kinsley and my other family members without being too sad. I can think and talk about her without crying. I’ve started working on school again. I’ve made more friends and have started going out more. I don’t isolate as much. Sadly, eating is still hard but that will be a lifelong struggle for me. I’ve learned to ask for help when I need it and put myself in safe situations when I don’t feel like I can take care of myself. I’ve learned how to slowly start moving on without her, even though I didn’t want to at all.

I’m always going to hate not having her here. I’m always going to be upset about it and wish things were different. I understand that there’s nothing to be done. All I can do now is keep going with my life, which sucks but that’s all there is to do. I’ve come to peace with it. It’s hard to say this and it will be even harder for you, the reader, to understand, but I think this could’ve been one of the best things to happen. Kinsley’s in a stable home, she won’t be moving around or thinking that different men are her dad anymore. I know Katie and Kinsley are both happy and that’s all that matters now. I know that Katie is with her family and friends that have passed on as well. She’s okay now and it’s difficult for me to think about how bad she was doing when she was alive.

A lot of times I want the peace that suicide can give you. A lot of people say things don’t get better when you kill yourself, they get worse for other people. It’s partly true, but I think that’s dumb. Yes, when someone you love dies it’s going to suck for you. That’s inevitable. Death is inevitable and we have to accept that. Suicide is a hard concept to completely wrap your head around. Again, when it gets to the worst point it takes more courage to live than to die. You can’t be mad at the person that takes their life forever. You have to understand it’s what they REALLY wanted. Of course, we would all rather have things get better for us instead of killing ourselves, but it’s not that easy. Taking your life can be one of the hardest things to do. You have to know how many people will be hurt and still say “I can’t do this anymore.” I’ve gotten to that point way too many times but still had a part of me pull myself back from doing it. It’s harder for the loved ones to get why it happened, why someone would make that decision knowing it would destroy people. When we lose someone, we all must go through these five stages to be okay again. Don’t try and skip a stage, let yourself go through the motions and if you’re having a hard time doing that, get professional help. It’s worth it, I promise. 

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