5 Things I Wish You Knew About My Anxiety

It's becoming less taboo of a topic, but my mental illnesses (anxiety and depression) are difficult to speak about. For years, only my closest, closest friends knew that I took anti-depressants, and that was only after months, if not years, of being friends.

A certain fear comes up when you realize you may have to discuss your mental illness(es) with others. I distinctly remember getting ready to spend the night at a college boyfriend's place years ago. As I packed my pills, a lump came into my throat. I started to cry as I told him that evening, in fear he'd see me sneaking a pill at night and get curious.

The stigma is real, and anxious people can often be the most judging on themselves. Here are five things I want you to know about my* anxiety.

*Every person who deals with mental illness has their own story. My anxiety and depression come a lot from the concept of shame. Others may have completely differing opinions and experiences from mine.

1. It's not a choice.

One of my concerns, when people find out I have anxiety and depression, is that they will think it's a choice. That I'm being overdramatic. Or, even worse, that I can't handle the real world. Trust me—if I had the choice to have anxiety or not have anxiety... do I even need to finish this sentence? There's a huge difference between stress and anxiety. Stress is, "Oh no, I'm running late to the movies. I'll miss previews and probably get a bad seat." Anxiety is, "I cannot believe I just screwed this up at work. I'm a failure. I can't even do this job right." I constantly wish I could just relax.

2. I can't turn it off and on.

Sure, some moments are more anxiety-inducing than others. And some days I'm in a bad mood, or PMSing, or bogged down with work. But I can't tell my brain to stop being anxious. I have to make a conscious effort all day, every day, to stay positive. It's exhausting trying to be positive. My mind's regular function is set to "panic." When something new pops up at work, or I can't fix my hair just right in the morning, my mind automatically goes into panic and self-shaming mode. I'm either upset or at an even medium. I'm rarely truly carefree.

3. Medicine helps, but it doesn't cure.

I have mixed feelings about medicine. I've been on countless different anti-depressants over the years, and they tend to work for awhile, but then things get worse, and I have to start over. It's worse now being on a lesser healthcare plan. I'm at the point where I am about to ask my doctor to prescribe me something else. Not because my current medicine isn't working, but because I can't afford it anymore. And the reason I started taking this current medication is because it was one of the "newest out there." I never know if I'm being prescribed something because it's actually the best fit for me, or because that pharmaceutical company's sales rep did the best job wining and dining the medical practice. I wish alternative options were more easily accessible.

4. I hide as much of my anxiety from you as I can.

I'm not good at hiding my feelings. That I know. I cry easily, and I've always worn my heart on my sleeve. But I do everything in my power to act "normal." I do my best to wear a poker face and never show weakness. The truth is, if you see me upset, I'm deep in it already. If you see me anxious, it's already been building underneath for quite some time.

5. I have an extremely difficult time accepting myself for me.

I'm sure this is true for everyone. Everyone has insecurities and little things they wish they could change about themselves. But it's very difficult separating myself and anxiety/depression. I'm doing my best to tell myself this is part of me, but this shouldn't define me.