5 Ways I 'Calm' Down

Anyone who struggles with anxiety knows how frustrating it is to be told to calm down. "Calm down" is possibly the worst thing a person can say to me if I am fighting off anxious thoughts or feelings. Even mentally or verbally telling myself to calm down instantly worsens a situation. It troubled me when I thought about this recently, because calm is a wonderful concept. It's a word that, when I am not in the middle of a panic attack, fills me with the deepest shades of blue. It's a word that reminds me of fluffy blankets and terrible Jane Austen adaptations. It's a word I aspire to be. Why, then, does the word fill me with guilt and misery and fear when I attempt to use it at a time that would seem most appropriate?

Probably decades of stigmas attached to mental health, and living with the idea that somehow emotions are evil, and people unable to control their emotions are weak, and other toxic beliefs brought on by the culture I grew up with.

As much as I wish I could say I've now freed myself from those ideas and their harmful impact, it only takes one person telling me to calm down for it all to come sweeping back in to my mind. How do I deal with thoughts I thought I'd vanquished? Toxic thoughts are strategic enemies. They attack when I am at my most vulnerable. Realizing that made me angry. I don't like bullies, even when the bully is my own mind. So, on one of my good days, I decided to come up with an active battle plan to help me cope when I am fighting my anxiety. I did some research on coping mechanisms, asked some friends of mine who also deal with anxiety what they do, and did some major introspection to figure out which methods would work best for me during the times when I probably wouldn't be able to focus on research or logic.

These are the methods I have found to be to most useful in my life:

Repossess the Word Calm:

I am a word lover. I've always loved words. I love to study how word meanings and associations have changed due to social ideologies and pressures. I love to study how marketing changes our perception of words. And I love to embrace words often thought of as "bad" words because of social connotations. So, when I identified that I was personally demonizing the word "calm" because of past social issues, I knew that was the first place to start. I still don't respond well to other people telling me to calm down, but after much determination and practice, a lot of the time I can redirect my emotions when I tell myself to calm down. It's an ongoing process, but I have worked hard to retrain my mind to know that when I say or think those words, I am coming as a friend to myself. I do not want me to feel shame or guilt or hurt. I don't want the negative connotations I used to have about calm. I just want calm in its purest sense.

The Best Friend Trick:

This is quite a common self-talk method, and I have found it incredibly effective. If I catch myself saying negative things about me, I ask myself if I would say those things to one of my best friends. If the answer is no, I have a strict cease and desist rule I follow. I can be a rule follower when I know the rules have a clear purpose that work for my good. Knowing this about how my brain works has allowed me to set and follow these rules for myself. And that is why the C&D rule works for me when I use the Best Friend coping mechanism. For example, if I catch myself saying,"Ugh, I'm so idiotic," or "I look so fat today," I ask myself, would you say that to anyone else? I would not. So, I have to stop that line of thinking and...

Find Something I Like About Myself:

This method almost always comes after the previous one. It's one I used to struggle with a lot, but over a long period of practicing, it has become easier. It can be anything. It can be that I like my nose. It can be that my shower rendition of the entire opening act of Into the Woods was on point today. It can be that I married my best friend. It can be that I inspire other people to do things that make them happy. Anything that I like about myself is acceptable, and I only have to think of one thing. Because of the aforementioned cease and desist rule, if I catch myself trying to backtrack and be negative, I have to find more things. This works best for me on more mild anxiety attacks. I realized it would take far too much effort to do this during one of my darker moments, which is where the next method comes into play.

The Alphabet:

I asked a friend of mine what she does when she feels an anxiety attack coming. She told me counting out loud really helps her. I tried that, and quickly learned that it caused more anxiety because I would lose count and then feel stupid and guilty. Clearly, for me, this wasn't the way to go. I thought about why it might help my friend. The rhythmic feeling. The certainty of what the next number is (for people who don't struggle with remembering numbers). The concentration. Rhythm, certainty, and concentration. These were all traits I knew would help me in a severe anxiety attack. But, I knew I couldn't use numbers. So, I used the alphabet. I love the alphabet. It's certain. It's rhythmic. I could concentrate on it. I could repeat it over and over and over. And, some nights I did. It worked as a coping mechanism at first, but soon it became too easy. It was too hard to concentrate on it. I found a solution though. I was playing the alphabet game with my younger sister. "My name is Alice. I work as an astronaut. I live in Arizona, and I like apples." It hit me that this could be what I do with my alphabet coping mechanism. The whole game format would be too much to focus on during an attack, but if I just did the "and I like" portion of the game, it would work. And, still to this day, that is one of my best coping mechanisms. I've changed it slightly to where I find something I am grateful for. It can be anything. My rules for this method are very loose because it is the one I use during my darkest moments.

Community:

My final coping mechanism is more preventative than the others. Earlier, I mentioned how it angered me that my anxiety hits me worst when I am most vulnerable. I don’t like being angry. For me, anger without a plan is unproductive and leads to unnecessary negativity in my mind. To combat the unnecessary negativity, I try to formulate a plan to resolve whatever is upsetting me as quickly as possible. Sometimes, I don't like the plan. For example, my solution to my frustration at Facebook commenters is to avoid the Facebook comment section. That may seem simplistic, but I found it incredibly difficult. Not quite as difficult as I found the resolution for my anger at my anxieties tendency to use my vulnerability against me. My plan was to be more vulnerable. It seems counterproductive, but it has been surprisingly helpful. My anxiety used my vulnerability like a weapon. Now I do the same thing against my anxiety. I talk openly about my anxiety. I will share how I am really feeling when someone asks. I am still cautious. It's important for trust to have been earned by those to whom I am opening myself. And it is important for me to respond in kind. Vulnerability invited vulnerability. I often find those I am sharing with sharing back with me. We find communion in the struggles we have in common and we exchange new perspectives on those we don't. Opening up about anxiety combats the stigma that creates more anxiety. Finding a community to help me in my fight against the stigma has empowered me and inspired me. I highly recommend reaching out to trusted individuals and being open and vulnerable with them.

Those are the five coping mechanisms I use to calm myself. Hopefully they offer some insight or inspiration. Love others. Love yourself.