Psyche logo

A Beautiful Mess Who I Like to Call Me

My Experience with Bipolar Disorder and O.C.D.

By Krista KovatchPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
1

I had a beautiful childhood with parents who loved me to the point that I started to believe there was truly no one else in the world like me. Life beat me down a bit and I lost that belief for awhile; however it all came full circle and I know that I am a special kind of beautiful. When I talk about beauty, I'm speaking of beauty that comes from resilience. I'm talking about beauty that comes from feeling so low you never thought you would get back up from the depths of hell... But you did. Let me explain. I was a happy child with a brother who was my best friend. I was outgoing and involved in numerous activities in school. This continued until about middle school. When I was 11 going on 12 years old, I experienced my first bout of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I didn't know at the time what that even was or that I had this disorder. I began having thoughts that terrified me and compulsions I had no control over, such as washing my hands to the point they cracked and bled. These feelings and actions had sunken me into the deepest, darkest hole of depression. I was sleeping to escape and in my waking hours my thoughts would torture my soul. I suffered this way up until high school and then I had to do something.

I told my primary care physician what was happening and that was the start of my world becoming meshed with the mental health field. I struggled on and off for years. I was diagnosed originally with major depressive disorder but then had my first manic episode when I was 17 and the episode also included my first experience with psychosis. I was then re-diagnosed with Bipolar 1 with psychotic features. I thought people were following me, I thought the FBI was watching me, I thought that I was the "millennium child" and that if I didn't die on my birthday the whole rest of the world would die. I gathered my friends and pleaded with them to pray with me as I thought I didn't have much more time on earth. I have to say that this episode of psychosis followed the death of my loving grandmother and a breakup to a boy I loved very much.

I had my first hospitalization that lasted for ten days and then went home to fall into another crippling depressive phase. Off and on for years I struggled. I wanted to attend the University of the arts for dance or musical theater and did not show up at my audition in the midst of another manic episode. I worked off and on for years in jobs that did not feed my soul. I finally decided to go to massage therapy school in 2006 and graduated in 2007. I got a job right away as a massage therapist and loved the profession (I know, a massage therapist with O.C.D.?!) But eventually I got burnt out. In 2013 I suffered the worst manic episode with psychosis I have ever experienced. I was paranoid to the point I thought my loved ones wanted to hurt me. I was delusional and scared. I went on to stay at 5 different hospitals in 5 months. Finally, I started to come to life at the last hospital stay where I met other beautiful tortured souls. I began to see myself for me again and recognize that doing the things I loved is what would keep my happy. I met my first peer specialist which is someone with a mental health diagnosis who is trained to help others with their struggles. One of the staff told me that they thought I should get my peer specialist certification when I got well. I did just that and now work in community mental health and absolutely love my job. People with mental health diagnoses are some of the most creative, empathetic, and interesting people I have ever met. I love using my story as a story of strength and hope and recovery for others. I now know that I am beautiful still... just a beautiful mess—and I am more than ok with that if it helps others to know they are not alone.

bipolar
1

About the Creator

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.