A Brief Story About Depression

I found myself a thousand times wondering: Where is the way out? How can I make this stop? This pain, this confusion, this constant feeling of piercing isolation. Show me the door. I will cross it. I will walk through it and let the numbness eat me up. Let it have a taste of this. I may not be sweet but I will make its insides shiver.

I wanted to stop feeling. To have these emotions cut off before they could grow out of my pores.

I was so wrong. I looked for relief in the romanticism of death. And I looked for an escape in other people. Outside. Always outside.

The thing is, my obsession for being numb was just a mask to cover the inarticulate desire I had for feeling alive. Insanely alive. As alive as I had never felt. I didn’t want to feel dead anymore. Depressed. Asleep.

Something in me knew that there was more than this senseless way of living. I wanted to taste it all. And if I couldn’t experiment anything but negative emotions, then I preferred not to feel anything at all.

So wrong. Pain is necessary. It connects us to the deepest parts of our being. The ones we don’t usually get to see. It makes us aware of our own darkness and through this awareness we can turn on beautiful lights inside ourselves, and heal. Without even noticing it.

This pain I was trying so hard to escape from was actually the thing I had to run to. I had to look at its face and say: “I know you are here and I accept it. I surrender. I won’t fight anymore. I will let you have a temporary home within myself. And then tenderly, I will let you go. I won’t identify myself with you. I am not you. And you are not me. You are teaching me. And as you came you may gradually go. I thank you for your lesson and I will bring light to the wounds in which you rested for so long. And I will heal. And I will grow.”

The way out is always within.

I wanted answers but I was asking the wrong questions. I wanted love from others but I was starving for self-love.

And I still am. And I’m still struggling so much inside my mind and body. But I am learning. And writing. A lot.

May we grow towards the light from our own darkness. And may we always recognize the infinite love within ourselves.