A Conversation Between Two Friends

I can’t take it. Just because one person believes in me doesn’t mean anything. I sometimes wonder what would happen if I die. I constantly think about dying but I haven’t got around to it yet. I try so hard not to think about it but it is always there.. I can hardly go a day without wanting to cut myself just to make everything fade. I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff with only one way out and that is to jump. I know that I would die but what else can I do? I keep thinking that one person believes that I can get past this without jumping and it’s the only thing that has stopped me from jumping. I try to turn back but I can’t turn I’m stuck standing there and trying to find a way out without jumping. If nobody believed that I could get through this I would have already jumped. I just want to kill myself to lessen my pain but what is the point of lessening your pain when it brings pain onto someone else? I can hardly breathe because it feels like there is a something pressing down on my chest. Depression is the worst. The dark days where everything seems to go the wrong way. I am absolutely terrified of the dark. So depression is worse for me than for normal people with depression, I think. I just want to quit. But he tells me that I can’t quit so I won’t quit. I can’t quit for his sake. Why me? Why does this have to happen to me? I hate my life. I just want to change my life for the better but I can’t because of what happened to me. God damn it. I definitely need some help. My dad sexually abused me for five years so how can I continue?

I know I don't completely understand but I'm going to try. I mean I have depression as well, although it's not as bad it still sucks. So many people in this world love you and care about you so much, even if it doesn't seem like it or they don't tell you, they do. You are strong and can make it through everything and anything you want to. You can do this. You want to make it through this, right? Then you can. I'm sure more than one person believes in you, because I do too and I'm sure there's a lot more people out there too. I know right now it doesn't seem like anything can get better, but trust me it will. I believe there are great plans for you in the future. And I know you're probably thinking then why did he do this to me of all people. It's because we as humans, are imperfect. I believe we are put on this planet with a plan and as we are imperfect, horrible things can happen sometimes to anyone. But no matter what anyone says, you're worth it. You're important. You're a great person and so many people would miss you if you ended it. So many. And they would blame themselves. Make this into a time where you can regain your confidence and show people how great you really are. No one is perfect so look passed the imperfectness and look at all the perfect things.

I will try. I just feel like it is my fault. I can’t seem to stop thinking that if I really wanted to I could have stopped my stepdad from hurting me. I constantly have nightmares from it and I hate myself. My mom doesn’t understand. I can’t stop thinking about different ways to kill myself. I even made up a list. It sucks that it is always in my mind but I can’t let one of my sisters down. She believes in me and one of my guy friends believes in me so whenever I feel down I go to them. Your dad has been a big help too. He gave me something to say every time I get down. He really believes in me.

Trying is all you can do. This wasn't at all your fault. Your stepdad had some issues thinking it was okay to corrupt you like that. There is no way you could have prevented that. Don't ever blame yourself, it is 100 percent his fault and always will be. My dad gets really depressed too so he knows how it feels to want to kill yourself. So I'm glad he's helping you. I wish I could do more to help, but since we live so far apart, I don't know what else to do. But everyday, try to think of three good things happening in your life and write them down and try to make them different things every day. That helped me, I hope it helps you. But I am so glad that you have a guy friend and a sister helping you through this. You need all the support you can get.

Yeah. I started cutting but my biological dad told me not to cause every time I looked at the scars I would be reminded of what happened so I’m trying to quit that. It gets really hard some days. Especially when I know that the sting from the rubber band won’t be enough. I just hate how I think that since I consented that it is my fault. I try so hard not to but some days when the nightmares are really bad I wake up blaming myself.

Just remember it's not at all your fault. It's perfectly okay to blame him. You have every right to blame him. I've heard that keeping yourself busy helps, so maybe if you found another hobby you liked doing, then it'd help. I know it's going to get better, it has to. But hopefully it will be as soon as possible. My heart breaks for you, it really does. I just wish we lived closer so we could hang out and get your mind off of things.

Yeah me too. I just hate how I live out of town so I have to stay cooped up all the time. I can’t really do anything to get my mind off of it. Yeah sure I go to school but every person that I see I can’t stop thinking that they are judging me. Why can’t I get it off my mind? Why is it just his fault? Why can’t the past stay the past? I just don’t understand.

I used to go on walks all the time on our back roads. It really helped me. But don't worry about what other people think. Let them think what they want. And you should just think that it's not your fault so who cares. Other people should be supporting you especially through this tough time or they shouldn't be in your life at all. You don't need any negative people. But just remember I'll always be here to listen or talk, whatever you want or need.

I need someone who actually doesn’t judge me. I’m bulimic. I don’t tell very many people cause the one person I did completely went off the wall on me. She told me that I wasn’t worth life if I couldn’t respect it. I hate when people judge me like it is completely my fault I’m like this. I don’t think I can ever be a normal girl ever again. I just can’t. I ain’t ever going to go back to what I used to be.

You are worth it. No matter what anyone says.

You sure?

Completely positive. You are a great person, I just wish I would have kept in touch with you to help. But as you said the past is the past so let's make a better future. But even if you can't go back to how you were, now you can become a better person out of this. Prove to everyone that you are worth it. Because you are.

I don’t know what to do. Bulimia is like a drug addiction. You have to keep doing it or you start feeling really sick. I can’t really talk to anyone bout it. I can’t stop thinking I’m fat if I miss throwing up even after one meal.

I know I haven't seen you in a long time but I'm sure you're not fat. And big is beautiful. You just need to believe in yourself. I know it's going to be really hard but you need to try to stop. It is so unhealthy for you.

The burn becomes your friend and you greet it with joy every time it comes along. I don’t know how to throw away all the unhealthy habits I got but I’m trying. The burn is like a balm. It soothes the part of your soul that no one else can.

Try to do anything it takes to get rid of them. Talk to someone every time you want to do it, ask them for a compliment or something. You can come to me if you need to. I'll try to answer as quick as possible. Maybe you could try writing down all the positive things that make you happy that you can think of then look through them or happy memories and just look at them when you feel the need for the unhealthy habits.

Yeah I can try that. It gets so hard some days. Especially this time of year. Christmas is the hardest. With all the fatty food I eat. I have to throw up at least two times sometimes even four or five. It gets really hard. I don’t know if I can stop without some help.

I wish I could help, like be there for you in person to remind you that every time you eat, you are a great person, you're not fat, you are worth it. Just positive reminders to help.

Yeah. I have a friend at school who feeds me sugar and then refuses to let me go to the bathroom for at least an hour. I’m really grateful for her. She can’t stop me at home though and that is the hardest. I can’t seem to let go of any of my habits that are unhealthy. Do you think I need professional help?

If you don't have anyone at home to help you and you can't do it by yourself, then you probably should get help to better your future and stop all of those habits before it's too late. And just to have someone to help you know that you're worth it no matter what anyone says.

I can’t stop being who everyone thinks I am. I’m the cutter that everyone looks at with disgust. I’m the depressed person everyone avoids. I’m the bulimic person no one hears. I’m the liar that makes everyone believe she is fine. I can hide every emotion I don’t want people to see.. I can’t stop myself from going down this destructive path. It is too much.

Become the recovered girl everyone loves. The one who wants to see everyone, the one everyone hears, don't hide your emotions completely. You need to let them out to someone and when you find that someone they will help you get right off that path and onto a new better path.

I try so hard to become recovered but it isn’t easy. I once had to talk to a person for a half hour to make them not take that bottle of pills. They sent me a Facebook message of a pic of the bottle and when I asked them what it was for they told me. I immediately started talking to them. Giving them advice and just listening. It made me realize maybe I don’t want to go down that path. There is just something about doing that for someone that made me realize this is not the path I wanted to go down.

You would be a good counselor. But see, you can do this. You're strong enough to do it for someone else so you can do this.

I just took a step back and realized that they were talking about my life story with their own elements combined in. I realized that it felt like I was giving advice to myself.

That's a good thing that you could give yourself advice, in a way.