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A Depressed Person's Morning Routine

Where the Fight to Get out of Bed Begins

By Graham RonaldPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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My alarm wakes me at 7:30 AM from an unrestful sleep. It has been like all the other times I have slept in the past couple of months. It doesn’t seem to matter how early I go to bed, I wake up and feel like an enormous hammer has been dropped onto my body, pinning me down and unable to get up.

The thoughts of surely I haven’t had eight hours sleep come into my mind. The thought of leaving bed to get up to face the day is extremely unappealing. My bed is warm and a safe space where I do not have to deal with my problems. However, not getting out of bed sometimes feels like I am hiding from the world.

Putting off the decision by snoozing seems like the sensible course of action. Delaying the decision means I can have a little more time to think about how I might try and get through this day. The alarm buzzes once again at 8:00 AM

The next 15 minutes are absolutely crucial. to get to work on time I need to leave at 8:15 AM at the very latest. There are two ways this can go.

Option A – Fight the Exhaustion

I rationalise that this feeling of complete and utter exhaustion will disappear once I get moving. Clothes are thrown on. At this point, it does not matter what clothes because if I stop I might end up just getting back into bed, call it a lost cause, and try again tomorrow. In my mismatched clothes, I brush my teeth and realise my skin is dry and I should moisturise. Again, it seems like my mind is trying to slow me down.

I can’t slow down. If I slow down I might stop and not have the ability to get going again.

Leaving my flat, I head to work with mismatched clothes, dry skin, and enormous bags under my eyes. I look terrible. However, the achievement is in going to work. Temporarily I have won a battle against my depression. The victory is getting out of my flat and dealing with the day's challenges with whatever energy I have left.

Option B – Succumb to the Exhaustion

I realise that I can have another 15 minutes in bed if I throw everything in my bag and do it all at work. Brushing my teeth, styling my hair, and moisturising. The 15 minutes pass lightning fast, reaching the point of no return. If I do not leave my bed now, I will be late. This is when the catastrophising starts. If I am late my boss will hate me, then she will fire me, then I won’t be able to pay rent, then I will be homeless, etc.

The thoughts of not going to work start to swirl in my head. I could relax, catch up on those TV shows I wanted to watch. I can stay nice and toasty in my bed and not have to think about all my problems until tomorrow. This is all very persuasive until the anxiety kicks in.

This is all fine and dandy, but if I am not leaving this bed, then I am going to have to WhatsApp my boss. This thought fills me with dread. Do I tell them I am having a bad mental health day? Do I tell them I have a stomach bug? Nobody questions a bug. They go around the office all the time. How many days have I had off sick this year already? Will HR start to question it?

Time passes. Again, I am stuck in the purgatory of not going to work and not having told work yet. I brush it off for now and resolve to send a message at 8:30 AM. For an unexplained reason, time moves at incredible speeds in the morning. 8:30 AM comes and I find myself trying to craft a masterpiece of a WhatsApp message conveying I am sick, but I wish I was not and that I will not be in today. I spend 15 minutes evaluating the message until I can summon the courage to press send.

I then proceed to fling the phone to the other side of the room so I do not have to think about it anymore. My duty is done. I can now collapse under the exhaustion until guilt forces me to check my phone a few hours later. I push away all the thoughts of how weak I am, unable to get up and hide away in TV shows so I do not have to face them in this state.

Most of the time I can execute Option A and I have become adept at making it easier to complete. I lay out my clothes the night before, prepare my bag, shower, and make lunch. Making the morning as easy as possible and lowering my standard means I might leave the flat. If I did not do these things, I would find myself taking Option B much more frequently.

I do it because when you are struggling with depression, anything that makes things a little easier is worth doing. When Friday comes, many people are discussing exciting plans. For me, I am going to recover my energy to complete another work week.

I urge my fellow brethren who are dealing with depression: When you hear these plans, do not feel guilty about currently not being able to complete those activities.

On a plane, in the event of an emergency, they always say put on your oxygen mask first because you cannot help anyone else if you don’t put it on.

If you need to speak to somebody about depression or are feeling suicidal, please call the Samaritans.

depression
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