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A Guide on Escaping the Devil's Grip

A Short Insight Into My Battle

According to portion sizes, I'm a family of four 🤷🏽‍♀️

I have suffered from anorexia for three years, but it has only been apparent to my family members for the past 12 months. Right now, I am in a rather positive mindset. Okay, so I'm not completely satisfied with my appearance, but I am healthy; my bones don't ripple down my back and my legs aren't so frail they collapse in the winter cold anymore. I don't get worried looks and reactions when I'm out in public and people no longer tell me how ill I look. I don't endlessly count and weight food (despite still not eating processed items). I eat when/what I want. 

Recovery has not been easy and it's not over yet. I have struggled endless amounts. The hardest part, in my opinion, is getting people to understand mental health. My relatives were so confused; "why are you doing this, Phebe? Why are you doing this to US? You're going to die and you don't even CARE?"

I couldn't help it. 

I wasn't meaning to hurt anyone, and my actions were not conscious. I was under the control of HIM. Eddie. The only thing that's ever frightened me so much I'd much rather end my life than spend another second with it. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Just because you can't see what's going on, that doesn't mean it requires less attention and sympathy.

Despite being fully aware that an eating disorder can come in all shapes and sizes, I do feel sorry for my parents. They had to look at me wither away, slowly and painfully, with no control. They were watching their little girl walk towards her grave and I really do feel sick thinking of what they had to go through. 

We are oblivious. We aren't aware as to how our decisions and actions are affecting others, but by no means is that our fault. We are trapped like birds in cages. We will break out and see the world as it is one day and how much there is to explore. But right now, we are fighting. 

It's horrible really, isn't it? How someone can just be so absorbed by their image and constantly work towards pleasing society that they forget to make their time on earth worthwhile. Perhaps it's the fear of being forgotten, unwanted, unloved, or just simply not good enough for anyone. Whatever it might be, we're killing ourselves for it. 

This message is for everyone who is struggling. I read about some people's stories now and how they are so fixated on calories and getting fat instead of living. I never thought I'd get to where I am now and I have to say, I'm truly amazed at just how much a little support can change a person, mentally and physically. I am happy...isn't that what life is about? 

I went out today with my mum (who is basically like my best friend). Before, we would have spent about two hours deciding where to eat for lunch because I was so worried about the food not being "pure" enough and that if I made one wrong mistake, it was going to effect me badly. Today, we felt hungry, we suggested a few places, and then we were off to my favourite café in minutes. How easy! It was much more enjoyable, too :) 

Those are the moments you need to focus on. Those are the goals you're aiming for. Normality, social enjoyment, and relaxation.

Take home message: You're not a dog. You don't need to reward yourself with food.

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A Guide on Escaping the Devil's Grip
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