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In today's world, there are so many things to worry about. Work, life, money, school, family, there are so many to list but, when things get really bad and anxiety rears its ugly head, things can become even more magnified to the point where it stops you from living a normal life.
Take me for example. I've had a pretty good life up to now but I've suffered with anxiety since I can remember. As a child I was very shy and not very outgoing. Anything scared me! One of my earliest memories was my mum walking me to school and I had those bad butterflies in my stomach like something bad was going to happen. Walking through the school gates with that sick feeling was shit. That fear of being so nervous you don't know what your body is going to do next. Will I throw up? Will I poo my pants? I scared the living shit out of my mum that day because I escaped from school and chased her home crying my eyes out but imagine having this feeling for 90% of the time and having to live with it daily. Not a nice thought huh? I call it the black butterfly effect and when these ugly little fuckers start fluttering their wings, the effect can last a long long long time. Let me explain how these little bastards work...
It starts with that sickly feeling in your stomach like the sensation you get when you're about to go on a really intense roller coaster, but the feeling is upped by 100. Then comes the dry throat which makes you want to puke even more because you cannot swallow and all you want is some kind of moistness in your mouth to take the shitty sand like feeling away. All of a sudden, you get pins and needles in your arms, hands, feet, and legs. What the fuck is happening! Am I going to die?! Is the Earth going to swallow me!? Then the panic... oh the panic! Your heart feels like it's going to burst through your chest and turn around and stick its finger up at you and shout "HAHAHA fuck you!" Those little dark evil sadistic little bastards are fluttering their wings as fast as they can possibly go and you start to wonder if there is something seriously wrong with you. Once the feelings start to subside, it can leave you feeling tearful and exhausted to the point where all you want to do is sleep. These little buggers also take away your appetite so forget about eating because these small shitty butterflies tell you that you cannot eat because you will be sick in front of all your friends, family and strangers.
I guess for anyone with anxiety who maybe reading this will agree with me on the description above...
I have recently been watching many self help videos on YouTube and I am not sure what to think. Some tell you to take deep breaths and think of something nice; others tell you to embrace the panic attack. EMBRACE IT! I want to run the fuck away from it as fast as possible! Not hug it with open arms and a big kiss and take it to bed for even more fun! I've tried so many things to the point where I don't know what else to try.
Everybody has their different coping mechanisms and I have yet to find mine, which I am hoping to find really soon.
I have found writing this small article quite helpful because I don't speak about my anxiety very often and I think we all need to be more open and honest about how we are feeling, even if it does sound or seem silly.
Watch out for more stories... Lots of love - AnxietyClaire