A Journey to Understanding

The intense feeling of frustration that surrounds mental health is all too prevalent. Trying to manage daily life tasks and expectations and in many cases failing to do so due to illnesses such as depression and anxiety can be infuriating as hell. I often find myself thinking "Well, I am fully aware that I have a mental illness and I know that this is the cause of most of my irrational thinking and anxious thoughts, so why is it so hard to snap out of it?!" However, when looking at frustration and it’s link to mental health more closely, it’s clear that our frustrations often tend to subside when a desire or intention is achieved. With depression and anxiety, simple tasks can become incredibly difficult which is frustrating in itself, but when these illnesses prevent our expectations and desires from becoming a reality, it can leave individuals feeling hopeless and subsequently, can actually make illnesses like depression and anxiety much worse and more difficult to deal with.

As a student who is studying Psychology, it allows me to delve deeper into the aspects of mental health that are relevant to me, more specifically depression and anxiety. After being stuck in a frustrated rut for quite a while, I decided that instead of just waiting for it to all blow over, I wanted to understand why I was feeling so frustrated about it all.

The stigma that is still surrounding mental health to this day is definitely not helping this situation. Although the world is much more accepting and aware that mental health is more prevalent than ever, there is still a long way to go. As a child, I tended to bottle up my emotions, to let them sit on top of each other until I’d explode. As a teenager, when I first became severely depressed, I would try and talk to my parents and would get a simple reply such as "all teenagers are like this," "don’t worry you’ll get over this soon," and many more that added and continue to add to my growing frustration. From my perspective, I grew up in a world where mental illness wasn’t considered an illness, where mental and physical pain were seldom considered equals, and this frustrated me greatly. Due to the stigma, I found it hard to ask for help, meaning I sunk lower and lower into my depression and anxiety. I felt as though I was drowning, screaming for help and everyone around me was staring down waiting, just waiting to see what would happen.

I am currently on a mission to understand. That’s all I want… to understand. Mental health issues do not define you and they certainly can’t tell you how to live your life. Using the skills I have learnt at university and the absolute desire for my own self recovery, I am going to understand how my brain works, how I work. What makes me happy? Why do I feel so out of touch with my own self? Why does the way my nose look bother me when other people don’t even notice?! Ultimately, I am realising that my personal frustrations come from not knowing. Not knowing why, after several trials with different medications and therapy, I do not seem to be improving. I don’t think a lot of individuals like to say this, but in my darkest moments, I tend to feel more comfortable, feeling low has become my "normal," where I feel most in tune with my true feelings, no matter how dark they may be. In this mind-set, it can often be a stressful and cumbersome task to change, to be more positive, like it would be easier to just stay in the dark forever.

I will not stay in the dark.