A Letter to Anyone Who Told Me to Open Up to Them About my Depression

I'm sorry I haven't told you about it. I'm sorry that I've kept an important part of my life hidden from you. And I'm sorry if it offends you that I don't talk to you about it, but just know I have my reasons. Ones that I hope you’ll understand, but I'll get it if you don't.

I don't want you to see me at my worst. I don't want you to see me crying to the point where I don't even want to be alive anymore. I don't want you to see me hit rock bottom every. Single. Day. I don't want to see the look of disappointment on your face when you realize just how horrible I feel. The kind of disappointment that makes you question where you went wrong even though none of this is your fault. I don't want to see the look of pain on your face when you realize there’s nothing you can really say or do to make me feel better. I don't want to see how discouraged you feel when your kind words and carefully worded advice don't make me feel better. I don't want you to look at me with sympathetic eyes and tell me that everything will be okay when I walk downstairs in the morning because you just assume today was a bad day or that I’m not strong enough to know that.

It was my fault. It was my fault that I looked in the mirror and chose to hate myself every single day and do nothing about it. It was my fault that I only liked myself when I was drunk, sometimes. It was my fault that I let it get this far without making any attempt to fix it. And it will be my fault when you feel the pain of knowing how I don't want to be alive. Please understand that I cannot be the reason for your pain as well as my own.

I don't want to get better. I know you’ll try to help. I know you’ll try to make me better. That's partly why I haven't told you, because I don't want to. I don't want to talk to a therapist about my life or come up with a solution. Some days I'll want to focus on myself and getting over this, and other days I’ll want to not even be here. That is what depression is, constantly alternating between being "okay" and hitting my lowest point. It doesn't make sense to me either. One day I'm begging for a way out, the next I'm getting comfortable with the numbness.

They say depression hurts, and it will be hard to pull yourself out of a depressive state that is why you have to "stay strong".

Rock bottom hurts. Because sometimes it will get so bad you won't even want to pull yourself out. You'll feel pain and nothing all at the same time. You can literally feel depression pulling your thoughts into darker places in your mind. But it is always a constant flip between “get me out of this I want to be happy” and “I don't even care about anything anymore, let me stay this way”.

So if you want to help, treat me like I never told you. Drag me out to events and be upset when I cancel plans. Force me to do things that will challenge myself. Don’t let depression be my excuse. Don’t let depression be the reason I leave the party. Be the person who runs after me when I don’t feel okay. Show me you care, don’t show me you’re only caring because you feel bad for me and you’re scared I might hurt myself.

If I tell you about my depression, treat me like I don’t have it.