A Letter to My 10-Year-Old Self

Dear Jerico,

I’m writing to you on this non-particular day because it’s sunny, there’s not a cloud in the sky, the neighbors' roosters are crowing, and I’m feeling clearer. I can tell you it’s a beautiful day because, my goodness, it is. The only downside, I think, is that it’s hot and I’m sweaty. You’re probably confused as to why you’re getting a letter from a stranger, but I’ll tell you now that I am not a stranger. I am you from the future. 11 years older, exactly. Well, almost 12 years older. Your birthday is nearing.

Can you believe you’re almost 22 years old? You’re at the age of thriving, of living your life, having a vision for yourself. You’re at the age where you’re supposed to have ambition...but you don’t. I’ll be honest, Jerico, you’re not doing so well. You haven’t been doing well for a very long time, and it’s becoming clear. Those times when you were angry, you weren’t doing well. Those times when you felt lost, you weren’t doing well. Those times when you were afraid, you weren’t doing well. Those times when you and life itself felt hopeless, you weren’t doing well. Those times you wished you could have died in your sleep, you were most definitely not doing well.

Mom took you to see a doctor. I don’t know if you remember. Things are blurry for you and you can’t seem to remember a lot, but she did. The doctor said you were showing symptoms of depression. Dad showed signs of depression, too. Mom didn’t say anything, though. She just left you like that; angry, afraid, hopeless, and guilty. She wouldn’t understand why you acted or felt the way you did. She still won’t understand the way you feel when you get older, either. Unfortunately, Jerico, as much as you love your mother, she only makes the situation about herself. She will continue to invalidate your pain and struggle.

As for Dad, you would think he would have a better understanding of the situation, but he doesn’t. He’ll keep telling you to stop acting like this, to focus on something and when you do try to focus on something, if that something is something he doesn’t like, he’ll tell you to stop. The cycle will begin again, and you’ll be left feeling useless.

I’m not telling you this to bring you down, no, I have many high expectations for you. I’m telling you this so you can see that you want a future. You want to live on your own, you want to see the world, you want to write that story. You want to be better than okay.

Mostly importantly, you want to stop asking yourself: “What’s wrong with me? Why am I still like this?”

You still don’t know why you’re struggling, but you’re trying to figure it out. That anger you felt because your grandmother passed away is gone, your fear of death is gone, but there is still something that is holding you back.

It’s not your fault. You’ve tried everything to better yourself. You’re always putting your family first. You don’t want them to suffer the same way you have been suffering, so you march on. I just want to tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay for you to be angry. Let it out. If you need to be by yourself, do it. Sit in the silence of your room and remove the noise. It’s okay for you to cry—it’s been a long while since you’ve cried. You think it’s better to bottle in the tears, but you’re just making yourself numb. It’s okay to be scared. Sometimes there isn’t an explanation as to why you’re feeling scared. In the end, you always decide to face it. But never, ever, feel like you’re hopeless, because there is hope for you, and never feel guilty—there are choices in life that you made and realized they were the wrong ones and changes in life that are beyond your control.

As you get older, you will try to become better. You’re still trying and that’s what counts. Now and then, you still wish you would die in your sleep, but your ambition to be something in this life, to accomplish something meaningful, is a lot stronger.

So I ask you, Jerico, to look within yourself if you ever feel lost and abandoned. You are a strong, willful, ambitious, and fiery girl. The universe is immense and the possibilities are infinite. You need to become someone you know you’ll be proud of, so you can look back at yourself and say “I made it.”

Beat depression. Don’t isolate yourself. You will miss many chances of making childhood memories, but that’s okay. You’ll learn with time that you want to see the world with your own two eyes.

I will be waiting for your reply, ten years from now. I hope you don’t forget. By then, you will be 32 years old.

Sincerely,

21-year-old Jerico.