A Letter to My Depression

Dear Depression,

Let me start by thanking you. I am going to thank you because you have managed to keep us safe from the bad people in the world. You keep us safe from bad people because most days I can't find the will to get out of the apartment, so I don't see anyone. This being said, you're also keeping us away from the good people. Remember them? The ones that I used to have fun with but now they think I hate them, find them boring, or that I'm a b*tch because instead of going out or responding to their texts, I stay home with you and binge another Netflix series or stare at a wall. Why do I stay away and watch Netflix with you or stare at walls instead of being with my friends? Well, it's because Anxiety said they hate me.

Which brings me to my second point. Dear Depression, can you stop bringing around your friend, Anxiety? The two of you go together so well, yet when you're parallel to one another I feel like it's the end of the world, and I really don't care at the same time, and that Depression is what I call Hell.

Hell is a place that to most people only exists in the afterlife, but thanks to you, Depression, and your friend Anxiety, it is my life. While most people only have occasional nightmares when they sleep, I have them frequently while I'm awake. Everything I did wrong since I can remember haunts me like a constant loop in my brain, and while that goes on, I'm worried about doing things wrong and embarrassing myself because I don't think the constant loop can hold anymore material.

Another thing, my dearest Depression, is there any chance we could start seeing Motivation more consistently? See, the days when she's here are rare and amazing, but as soon as she leaves people start to think that I'm lazy. They think that I'm lazy because instead of doing simple tasks like brushing my teeth, showering, and getting dressed, I sit and cry and hope that tomorrow is better even though we know it won't be, thanks to Pessimism. I'm not even asking for Motivation to be around 100 percent of the time, but maybe just enough so I can make it through the day without feeling like I'm going completely against every molecule in my body. I just want to be able to go out without surpressing the need to run away, or the panicked breaths, or the overwhelming urge to hide under a table and cry like a child.

I know I suppress you with anti-depressants and smother you with fear and aggression, but if you could just listen and help me out I know we could get along not well, but better. I know you're a part of me like my arm or my heart, but it doesn't give you the right to tear me apart, take control of my life, make me feel like my wrist should be put to a knife, or even worse, that I'm all alone.

Dear Depression, I wish you'd go. Thank you one more time, though.

Thank you for making me stronger, making me stand a little bit taller on the good days, and on the bad days, too. You make me challenge myself every day, which is not something everyone can do.

I know with or without you I'm not perfect, but do you think sometime soon you could give me a break? I miss joy. I miss laughing. I miss my friends and family. I miss seeing good in little things rather than bad in what seems to be everything.

Dear Depression, that's all I have to say. Just think about everything I said please?

Your friend,

Jae