A Never Ending Battle With My Mind

Hi, my pseudonym is Annika Aura. I am an individual who has depression and anxiety since high school. During my high school years, I promised myself that I will not become depressed. Well, I was not able to keep the promise. This is my journey of mental illness.

My family and I moved from my old home to another house on the same street. It was a couple houses away. I remember walking back and forth from my old home to my new one while carrying my items. It was slightly raining. We managed to move out by the end of the day. Before I left my old home, I stood in my empty room. I said my goodbye. I lived there since I was a baby. This was my childhood home, and I was leaving it behind.

What happened next was getting used to living in my new home. I was able to fall asleep on the first night. I shared a room with my sister. My parents and brothers were in separate rooms, but it felt like my alone time was no longer relaxing. My older brother was married, and he had a kid with his wife. I heard their voices constantly throughout the thin walls, and I hated it. My dog stayed in the backyard. His name is Spike like the doggy from Rugrats! Those who watched Rugrats know what I’m talking about! Spike was barking a lot at night. One day, our neighbors complained about my dog. They mentioned how their dog never barked so much. MY DOG IS NOT YOUR DOG. At that time, I was still a little kid. I thought that my dog had a tough time adjusting to this new home. I mean, who would not? He was in a backyard that was unrecognizable. I would have acted differently too if I did not know what the hell was going on. Why am I in this house or backyard? Where am I? He needed time to adjust. My dad tried to stop the barking by letting him run around the backyard. If that did not work, then my dad would put a muzzle on him. That did not work either, so my dad decided to send him to the pound. I never saw my dog ever again. And the neighbors that complained about my dog barking? They fucking moved away years later.

Next, my brother and his wife had two more kids while I was still in high school. I became an aunt. They treated their kids like crap. It felt like every day was hell for me. I started using Tumblr and Facebook to vent. Even on Facebook, I felt stupid for posting how I felt because I received harsh comments. I stopped sharing my feelings. It was tough for me to be myself in a negative environment. I tried to be the best role model for my nieces and nephew, but I had my own limits too. I was a teenager with no car. I was trapped in my parent’s room with a computer. All I could do was cry to myself. I did not have any comfort or support. At one point, I wanted to commit suicide. Want to know what saved me? Facebook. That’s right, you heard me! Crazy, right? Well, it worked. I saw positive quotes on Facebook, and that was everything for me. It kept me moving forward in life.

After I graduated high school, I went straight to community college in 2012. It was a huge change for me. I passed my driving exam, and I was learning how to drive to school. I was at a new place where I did not know anyone. My dad helped me find my classes. I had classes that were somewhat useful. I did not know what major I wanted because I was lost. I do not mean being lost at my new school. I was lost with myself. I started having intrusive thoughts every day. I dealt with these thoughts myself because I had faith that I could handle them on my own. I was wrong. I did not know what I wanted to do in life because of these thoughts. I finally got help thanks to my doctor. I found out I had depression and anxiety. These two go hand in hand. I started going to therapy sessions. I no longer have intrusive thoughts every day. That led me to picking my major: Human Services. Why? Because ever since I was little, I always wanted to help people out. I have a big and compassionate heart.

While I was getting used to my new college life, my grandma died in 2013. I did not know much about her. I was only 4-years-old when I first saw her. I was born in California. She lived in Vietnam, so I did not see her often. My mom found out that my grandma aka her mom died. My parents went to the funeral. My siblings and I could not go. Out of everyone in my family, I did not spend time with her individually. When I found out about her death, I could not attend the funeral because of school. I cried at school alone. I prayed for her. I was able to overcome her death by myself.

Years later, my brother, his wife, and kids finally moved out of my parents’ home. Goodbye to my asshole of a brother and his wife! I was finally free from the negative environment. I can live my own life now. I got my own room. Things are so much better than it was in high school. If I committed suicide in high school, then I would have never been accepted to a few 4-year colleges. I would have never met important people in my life. I would have never experienced the feeling of receiving good grades in my classes. I would have never been so proud of myself. So many amazing life events happened after the rough patches I went through. I still have intrusive thoughts once in a while, but I am HAPPY with my life. My name is Annika Aura who suffers from anxiety and depression. I am a bad ass. To those who are struggling with mental illness, YOU ARE A BAD ASS! DO NOT FORGET THAT!