A New Outlook

After years of putting others first I have had to decide to put myself first. I have had problems with depression and breakdowns which pushed me to this decision. I haven’t decided to abandon everyone and everything totally but have decided on the way I need to go forward for my own good. This meant some hard decisions mixed with some upset but a few years after this I am far happier and far healthier.

My worst problems were during a hard marriage, debts and disabled kids made the relationship very difficult for the second half of it and ultimately led to the end. I had three breakdowns and have large gaps in my life that I don’t recall as my memory has either failed or blocked parts. My long-term memory is still poor but otherwise I have emerged relatively OK though I know I could fall back to the dark days if I am not careful.

My first breakdown was a slow build to a massive crash. I had been running my own life of a stressful job along with two disabled children, debts, an unhelpful wife and elderly in-laws. Add to the fact I was fifty miles from family then perhaps I should have seen what was coming but I didn’t. I knew I was in trouble one day although I don’t recall one specific thing. I went to the doctor who looked at my file and instantly gave me four weeks sick with stress. It was strange to admit defeat but finally I knew I couldn’t go on as I was. Four weeks became six months of antidepressants, rest and psychiatry. After this I went back to work but home was still pretty much the same, the only difference was the continued use of the antidepressants.

Perhaps not surprisingly I broke again within a year, this time one incident tripped me up. This time I lost three months’ work but after returning I knew it had to change. Not long after I lost my job after an aberration and decided it was enough. I did a few months voluntary work but then decided the marriage had to end, I had to leave my kids behind and I had to move back to family. I ended up living with my mother for six months before finding another job. This was probably a mistake as I was away from family again. I made some good friends but after seven months away I came home again, this time to stay.

I have had a few jobs since I returned to my home town and I am doing the job I wanted rather than the one I needed to when away. To keep the marriage going I had to earn a lot, now I did the job I wanted but am being paid a third of what I was.

I have had three proper relationships since I moved back and have ended two as I knew they weren’t working. Maybe in the past I would have carried on till the bitter end or put the other person first. Perhaps the new me has taken charge fully. I am now on the third of those relationships and am happier now than before. It’s different in the fact that I have little responsibility, there’s no dependents and no property as I live with her family and her.

She is much younger than me and this caused some consternation among family and friends. We both decided to put ourselves first and see what happened. I wasn’t going to risk happiness just because our relationship didn’t fit the norm. I am happy and see this relationship lasting, there’s no reason why it shouldn’t. It's working though because of the new me and the new outlook I had to have to get this far. I had to be brutal, I had to change my outlook, I had to change me and I’m glad I did.