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A Reason to Live

Trigger Warning: A Modern Day Horror Story That Many Experience

By Arreis LynnPublished 5 years ago 8 min read
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I am sorry Ms. Wilkinson, but we’re going to have to let you go. It’s nothing personal. Business isn’t doing the greatest and we need to adjust our team size. You understand, don’t you?

Jenny kept replaying the scenario in her mind: the way her manager looked so smug as he called her out in front of the other waitresses; the way he sneered at her with vicious intent; the way how all she was able to say was a quiet ‘I understand’ before she walked away. Jenny cursed at herself. Looking back at how the whole ordeal played out she wished she said more to the old pig. She could still feel his violating eyes rested on her short uniform on the way out of the diner doors. Jenny knew she should’ve been thrilled to never have to return to the diner, but this was the third job this year. Her landlord could only be so understanding about another month’s rent delayed. Where could a visual arts major find profitable work?

When she finished her re-telling, adding some colorful language every few words or so, Adrien poured her another glass of Old Crow Bourbon Whisky. He shook his head, “Jesus Jen, I’m so sorry. What’re you going to do now?”

“I suppose tomorrow I will go on yet another job hunt,” she muttered before pounding back more of her drink. She liked the burning sensation whisky left in her throat. She knew that it would eventually make her drunk, but the sensation was sobering.

“Have you ever considered working here? I’d put in a good word for you.”

Jenny glanced around the bar for a moment. The customers are typically pleasant and working with Adrien wouldn’t be all that horrible. However, this bar was her home away from home and she didn’t want to stop enjoying it because of it becoming a chore to go there. “Maybe, I’ll get back to you on that.” Jenny set down enough money to cover her drinks along with a massive tip for Adrien.

“Jen you just lost your job, you don’t have to give me such a large tip. Hell, leave me no tip.”

Jen looked at him thoughtfully for one moment. Adrien was always there for her to talk to, and even when they weren’t both at the bar he would call, text, and check up on her. He was the only one to ever call her except for those annoying overseas telemarketers. Jenny smiled, “I just wanted to thank you for all that you’ve done for me over the years is all. Take the tip.”

“Jen, are you really gonna be alright? I’m off in one hour, do you need some company?” the worry in his eyes made Jenny’s heart pang.

“No thank you Adrien. I do appreciate it”

“Can we do breakfast in the morning then? Brunch if you want to sleep in. I’ll help you with your job hunt after that.”

Jenny shook her head, “no can do. It’s Sunday, I am volunteering at that soup kitchen”

Jenny had been volunteering at a soup kitchen for the homeless for the past year and a half at the request of her psychiatrist. She had hoped that helping others that were worse off than she was would give her a reason to wake up in the morning. She had befriended most of the homeless people who came regularly to that shelter, but it always hurt when one didn’t return. They were all so positive for people who had absolutely nothing.

Jenny stood up from her bar stool, “Goodbye Adrien”

Adrien waved as she walked to the doors, “I’ll see you tomorrow at some point I’m sure Jen”

On the way through the doors to her apartment Dominic the local drug dealer passed. She smiled and nodded at him, he nodded back. This was just a thing she did to ensure that Dominic would leave her be. As her mother always taught her, be kind to each person that you encounter in everyday life because you never know what they’re going through. Dominic was a single father. His daughter had to be only nine or ten years old. She would always be running around with her dolls, a smile on her face, a flower tucked gently behind her ear. Jenny remembered when she and her twin sister would play with dolls together. She would love to reminisce this with her, but Clarissa wasn’t here anymore. She turned the key and walked inside the tired wooden door shutting it gently behind her. The apartment was small, and you could barely see the wall under all her drawings and paintings. She was greeted by the meow of Scar.

“Shut it you! I can’t even afford to feed you Scar,” Jenny sighed. Not only has she failed herself, but she had failed her cat. Scar was a stray that appeared outside her work a few years ago when she worked at a nightclub. Scar followed her all the way home and hasn’t left since. He was very originally named after the scar covering the entirety of his left eye. The cat looks very rough around the edges, but he has always been kind enough to Jenny. She liked to think they were a great pair of misfits. She leaned down to give him a nice long pet before walking into the washroom.

It was time for her normal nightly routine. She brushed her tangled hair. Clumps of hair would fall out as she ran the brush through the various strands. She brushed her teeth, started to floss, but gave up part way through. She then reached for the blue pill bottle. She glared at the bottle hoping if she glared hard enough she would burn a hole in the label. Her psychiatrist told her the pills would help, but they only seemed to drain her humanity even further. Her dependence on antidepressants made her wish she could feel depressed just to feel something. She set the bottle down in its spot beside the sink.

“I don’t want to take these anymore,” she whispered to herself walking into the bedroom.

She opened her side table and pulled out a bottle of MaCallan Gold. Jenny was saving this bottle for a special occasion, and the time was certainly now. She felt a twinge of guilt when she locked eyes with the family photo on top of her nightstand. Jenny knew that her mother would never approve of her actions. Jenny’s mother always wanted was best for her daughters down to her dying day in the hospital. When her mother knew her time was near, she made Jenny promise to take care of herself. Jenny did promise to take care of herself, but in her heart, she knew she might as well have just have lied to her mother’s face. Cancer is a horrific thing, but Jenny had come to accept it was just a part of life and a huge part of her family tree. Jenny couldn’t blame her mother for her concern. Her mother had never been the same since Clarissa’s accident, even more so since the divorce.

Jenny, Clarissa is dead. My baby is gone.

Her mother’s sobs would haunt her dreams for years to follow.

She walked out the front door again as silently as she could with glass in hand.

“Goodbye Scar,” she whispered to the sleeping grey tabby, who started to purr just at the sound of her voice.

She didn’t bother locking the door behind her. The night air was cool yet refreshing to her skin. After some time, she made it to the path she was looking for. She walked up the path to the top of the ridge. She stood marveling at the view below her. Jenny had come to this spot her whole life, but the view had never managed to disappoint. The whole city was sparkling far below her. Glistening brightly as her dreams once had. She could make out the town hall, the heart of this city. She could see the marina at the far end, only once had she been able to sail from there. She had painted on the harbor the whole afternoon. She could draw a map of this city from above.

Growing up her family would always come to this ridge to watch the fireworks over the city during the 4th of July. They would all be together as a family, and they would be happy. Jenny would always feel on top of the world watching the explosions of red, white, and blue. She wished every day could be a firework show.

Years later Jenny’s first date ended up leading her to this ridge. She had her first kiss looking over-top this city where she had grown up. The experience was so magical. Every year on their anniversary she and Ryan would always hike to this ledge for a picnic. It seemed so stupid and tacky, but it always made her happy. It was hard to believe it had been three years since he had left her for Toni, some successful model or something in New York. It didn’t matter now. She saw Ryan a year ago when he was visiting the town. One thing lead to another and they had a one-night fling that resulted in the same outcome. He left her alone and confused the next morning. Jenny never bothered to find someone else, she was too busy trying to pay the bills anyway. Every time Jenny had a bad day as if by robotic response she would bring herself to this hill. She would paint, drink, and look at the city below her.

Jenny has always loved the city she was born in for all the different people and the different dreams they had. The city was a powerful unit. She liked to remove herself from that equation entirely and look at it from the outside. The city lights seemed so especially bright tonight. She just wished she could grasp each light and hold it close to her heart, so they would warm her. She thought about Adrien, Scar, her mother, her sister, her art, and at one-point Ryan. These things were her light, so bright and beautiful in a world that could be so dark and cold. If this was the last thing she could ever see she wouldn’t be upset.

Jenny dropped her whisky into the grass beside her. She looked to the lights, tears streaming down her face and smiled. She took one step forward towards the ledge, then another.

Jenny stepped off the ledge.

depression
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About the Creator

Arreis Lynn

I am an actress, writer, and slam poet. I am passionate about my hobbies. They give me a rush. I wish to someday become a teacher to change the lives of youth, as well as introduce them to art that may shape their lives as it did to mine.

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