A Thousand Voices

Am I doing this right? Is there another way I could do this? Oh, god why is that person looking at me? Do I have something on my face? Are they judging me? What did I do? Did I say something stupid?

These are some of the thoughts that run through my head during an average, everyday trip to the café. I have what some people call “high functioning anxiety.” Me? I call it my Frequent Reminder. It reminds me all the time that I have this questioning voice inside my head. I second-guess and question everything I say, do, think, feel, trust, believe, or love.

But I can’t help it; I’ve tried. I’ve taken the pills, I’ve tried medicinal, I’ve tried alcohol. They’re all temporary solutions for a permanent problem.

I’m going to share a story. Currently, I live with my boyfriend in his aunt’s basement. He was already living here, and I moved in with them. Almost a month ago, he had cleaned out a second dresser for me. As I was putting away my clothes, I found a can of woman’s shaving cream and laundry beads (the small pebble things that you put in the washer). Not mine, but his ex’s of four years who used to live here too. They had broken up a year and a half ago. Immediately my train of thought went right to “He still loves her.”

Yes, I realize it’s a can of shaving cream. It’s meaningless; it’s an everyday item. It was the fact that it was hers, and it was in a drawer that used to be filled with junk. Then, came the flooding of voices.

He still loves her. He’s keeping this because it was hers. He still loves her. He wants to keep a piece of her. He still loves her. He still loves her. He still loves her. He still…

After sitting on the bed for a few moments, trying to calm my racing heart and drying my sweaty hands, I picked up my phone and texted my boyfriend, asking about them. He replied, “I don’t remember seeing them, it was also right before I went to bed though.” It was a simple mistake. That’s all it was.

This story is a prime example of how my anxiety affects my thought process. I also ask questions that I already know the answer to, just to make sure I’m doing something right. I seek reassurance from my boyfriend that we’re still doing okay. I get worn out from long periods of social interaction. I panic around large crowds of people. I have a phobia of being humiliated. I keep my head down and my eyes on the ground if I walk past someone. I’m claustrophobic and a crippling arachnophobic. I bite my nails. I bite my cheek. I bite my bottom lip. I over-explain myself. I usually arrive 15-20 minutes early to every event or appointment. I ask people to repeat what they say because I have process issues. I procrastinate. I can’t say no to people. I apologize profusely. I say the most random thoughts out loud. My mind jumps from topic to topic. Like, hell; I have anxiety attacks when my boyfriend beats a boss for me in Skyrim: tears, trembling, sweating, racing heart, etc.

Why am I explaining all this? Probably because I need to get my “ticks” in order and this was the most comfortable way: writing and sharing. But also, because not everyone reacts and exhibits high functioning anxiety the same. My “ticks” and habits might not be those of others. There is a notable difference between being nervous and having anxiety. Try taking notice of body language, movements, and habits; they will speak louder than words will.