Abnormal

My knuckles are itchy and my chest is tight. I'm walking up stairs behind a line of people—some friends, and some strangers. It's going to be fine I think as I'm noticing my breathing grow shallow and rapid. I focus on my breathing and make sure that I have three deep breaths every once in a while. This time will be different, and I will be OK—I will be normal tonight.

Social anxiety is experienced at many different levels from moderate discomfort in social environments to crippling anxiety that keeps one from going out at all for the fear of coming in contact with someone. I fall somewhere in between. These are some of the feelings that I experience, and I hope to bring more awareness to social anxiety and mention some of the warning signs to look for if you have friends that deal with social anxiety, as well as some tactics that I use to combat some of my panic in anxiety producing situations.

Going out with friends and meeting new people is a concept that I love, but not one that I execute very well. As much as I try, I can't ever seem to calm myself down enough to truly cut loose in social environments. It all starts when I'm in the car or walking over to the event. I'm anticipating certain people to be there, and I'm anticipating that I'll see new faces. I'm excited and cannot wait, but I also have this sick feeling in my gut that makes me feel like vomiting when I even just think about walking through the door. I know that I'm not alone—I'm arriving with friends. But something doesn't ever feel quite right. My friends are so wonderful and I love their joy and enthusiasm during conversation, and the new people are always fascinating in one way or another (being good or bad one never knows). I love the energy and enthusiasm that my friends are able to display so much that I'm actually jealous of it. How can they be so good at it? It all just seems so natural, and I wish I could just be normal.

After a while, I feel myself drowning in sound. I'm no longer part of the small talk that opened up the cavern of conversations—I am a listener and observer of the people around me, and I like it that way. When I'm standing in the corner of a group of people, I notice that I'm not talking. I do notice. I just don't know for sure what I'm allowed to say. Are my thoughts worth listening to? Will I offend someone? If I talk too much, then people will seek me out to talk to me, but if I don't say anything at all then people will think that I'm incompetent or rude. Am I incompetent? I think I'm being rude.

I have a background of being home schooled all the way through high school and had little social exposure growing up. My interactions were generally limited between me and one other person, making groups of people terrifying. I can remember going to sleep overs as a little girl where there were five or six girls staying over, and I would always get sick to my stomach from being so nervous. In fact, it got to the point that if I stayed the night, I would end up hanging out with my friend's mom instead of the group of friends because I couldn't stop shaking. There was one morning that I spent with a friend's mom when she made me cinnamon raison toast and sat with me for a couple of hours and didn't say much. We just sat together. I cherish this moment because she made me feel like she somehow understood how overwhelmed I was.

I went to the prom in my sophomore year of high school. I was going with a girl that I knew through a music group outside of school, and was super excited to experience something new. It wasn't until she brought it up that I realized that I would be around a couple hundred complete strangers for an entire night. She made me think of this when she invited me over to her house the week before the prom to meet some of her friends that would also be attending. We watched a movie and ate junk food and they talked about who was dating who at their school at the time, and I was completely lost. I was grateful that we were watching a movie because I didn't know how to start a conversation with any of the people there. They were all so cool and kind, and they also were all very different from each other and comfortable with it, and again, I felt myself becoming jealous of their expressive freedom. Why can't I be normal...

As a young teen up until even now, I have experienced body dysmorphia, poor body image, and have dealt with depression and an eating disorder. Going to social gatherings usually implies eating with other people, which is something that I am still getting used to, but was something that was absolutely crippling to me a few years ago. I wouldn't eat anything with chocolate or excessive crumbling for the fear of having food remnants on my face and me not being able to see them. I additionally didn't want to be the quiet person who came to eat all of the food. I was afraid that if I didn't choose the healthiest options available that someone would judge my body harder. I know that this is silly—really I do. I know that most people don't even care about what other people are consuming, but I thought they did. It didn't help that one time this actually did happen while I was filling up my plate with potato chips and ketchup. Strange combination perhaps, but a friend of my father's walked up to me and told me that everything on my plate was carbs and sugar and that I wasn't being healthy and that my cholesterol would one day slow down and I wouldn't have my thin figure anymore. Little did he know that it wasn't because of my cholesterol that I was so thin. I didn't eat anything that night after he said that.

Being around more than one person automatically makes me fear that people are staring at me. There are only so many eyes that I can keep track of in one room, and I hate it when they're looking at me. What are they thinking? They probably think I'm stupid. Am I stupid? People are laughing... oh god... are they laughing at me? I must be stupid. Why can't I be normal...

Often, I will experience panic attacks when I am in social environments. My heart usually races when I am anxious, but my panic attacks cause my heart to beat so quickly that some of my friends have been able to see my chest beating irregularly. My breathing will get so short that I don't realize if I'm breathing anymore or not. My eyes turn black and I get dizzy. I can't hear anything—my ears are ringing and they hurt. As soon as it hits me, I get this ominous feeling that all eyes in the room are immediately on me, as if they can each sense the change in my breathing. I know that this isn't logical, but this is how I feel, and I can't make it stop. The only way that I can stop these particular attacks is if I isolate myself and lay on the floor flat on my back with my arms spread out. I have to focus on my breathing until my heart slows down. While I'm waiting for this to happen, I look for fifteen things: one thing that I can taste, two things that I can smell, three things that I can hear, four things that I can touch, and five things that I can see. I have to give each of them their proper name as well so that I ground my mind while my body is catching up. When my heart slows down, I feel exhausted and my chest hurts tremendously. I have to leave the bathroom where I was lying down and go back out into the room and act as if nothing has happened. I hope no one noticed that... I hope that no one came into the bathroom while I was laying on the floor in the handicap stall... Why can't I just be normal...

I have gotten three main responses from various types of people when I am experiencing social anxiety. One response (becoming less common thankfully) is when someone tells me that I'm just overthinking and that I need to get over it and enjoy myself. What these people don't understand is that all that I want is to settle down and enjoy myself. I literally would want nothing more, but I can't, and they don't understand because they probably have never experienced social anxiety before. Another response is frustration. I have many times received frustration as a result of my lack of interaction or my frequent absences to the bathroom during social events. It isn't as if I'm purposefully trying to offend anyone or be rude. I'm not trying to exclude myself or not be supportive to my friends that are present. I don't know always what the right thing is to do. I hate being clingy, and I hate being too detached. I don't know where the middle ground is, and it's frightening when it doesn't feel natural no matter what I try to do. It's hard to explain to these people that are frustrated that you're not trying to offend them or shun them. Again, it is likely that they have not experienced social anxiety, or do not understand the type of anxiety that you are experiencing. It's very frustrating when this happens because I already feel like I'm letting everyone down by not interacting adequately, and the response of frustration just confirms that I have let them down, and they are often my friends, so it is another level of felt failure, even though they may not mean it to feel that way. I deal with an immense amount of empathy, and realize what it feels like to be let down, and when I evoke that feeling in those that I care about, I am devastated. It makes me feel not only inadequate in social situations, but makes me feel inadequate as a friend or thoughtful human being. I know that I am thoughtful, and that I deal with severe amounts of anxiety, so I know that logically I am not trying to hurt people, but logic does not come into play when my anxiety is in control. The third response, and the best response is patience, understanding, acceptance, and support. Whether someone deals with social anxiety personally or not, it is always best when it is responded to with love and patience. I know that it takes a lot of patience when comforting someone with social anxiety—believe me, I do. Patience is the only way to work through it in the moment though. Rashness or hasty judgements only lead to more panic, and makes it more torturous for everyone involved.

If you are trying to comfort someone that has social anxiety and you don't understand what is happening, it is OK to ask them about it (maybe not during an attack). They will likely be OK privately explaining what they're feeling in order that they can receive some support during challenging situations. The subject is becoming slightly less taboo, so let your friends know that you are there for them! Coming from personal experience, it is always a comfort to know that you have a friend that cares about your comfort, whether they intimately understand your struggles or not. Just like I don't have to be woman to care about women's rights, I don't have to have social anxiety to care about someone who does.

Another helpful tactic for being a good buddy to your friend who's feeling anxious is to have a secret code for when things are getting a little too much. This could be anything from a squeeze on the arm to a code word, or could even be a text sent from the bathroom. It doesn't matter as long it is effectively communicated. Once you receive the signal, listen to them! Trust that they know their limits. Chances are, once they've sent the signal they've already been pushed to a certain point of discomfort that they've accepted as irreversible. If they don't want to leave, maybe they just need to step out for a minute or talk with you privately or get a hug. There's nothing wrong with this. Just because they talk a twenty minute walk alone doesn't mean that they dislike the people that they temporarily left, it just means that they need to breathe and recharge before reentering the social environment. There's nothing wrong with this.

Watch out for your friend that hasn't spoken in a really long time—keep an eye out for panicked faces or wide eyes that look fear stricken. Is your friend easily startled at what is seemingly little things? It's possible that they are experiencing fear and displacement here as well. I'm not saying that any of these things inherently mean that your friend has social anxiety, but as a human being, most people can sense when someone is uncomfortable or not. It's always a good idea to just have your people sensors on and remain aware of tension within a room. People can sense others' energy.

What I try to do when I am dealing with social anxiety is find someone else who also looks as uncomfortable as me. This sounds silly and maybe even pathetic, and kind of like "misery loves company," but it really is helpful to find someone else that understands. It makes you look like you're interacting in a more socially acceptable way with another human being when in reality you're just conspiring escape plans from your discomfort. It really works! I also go to the bathroom quite frequently when I'm uncomfortable. The trick to making this move look normal is by drinking an absurd amount of water at all times. You'll end up having a reason to excuse yourself fairly regularly, and it also gets you thoroughly hydrated (which they say helps with things like depression and anxiety). What I'll sometimes do while I'm in the bathroom is look at my eyes in the mirror until my peripheral vision blurs out and I can only see my irises and pupils. It sounds silly, but I give myself a pep talk while staring at my eyes. I'll say things like, "your thoughts are worthy and your existence is valid." It really does work sometimes! You just have to train yourself to believe that what you're saying is true.

If you really need to, there's nothing wrong with just calling it and leaving the environment that is causing you anxiety. You don't need to give anyone any excuses! You can just leave! There's nothing wrong with this. You could say that you're feeling tired or that you need some alone time. If people care about you, they will try to understand and might even ask you if you're alright. It is totally OK to leave when things are becoming too much. Trust yourself on this—you know best even though it feels like you're don't or that you're over exaggerating.

In closing, listen to your instincts. You know yourself best. You deserve to be comfortable just as much as the next person. People are out there just like you—there is a support system waiting for you somewhere. Please don't be ashamed of something you can't control. Not everyone is a social butterfly (but that doesn't mean that you're still not a butterfly). You are beautiful just as you are.