Addiction

The science and psychology of addiction has always intrigued me. As a former addict in recovery, I often wonder why addictions are so difficult to break. I am talking about all types of addiction that plague society—drugs, alcohol, technology, gambling, sex, etc. My addiction began after a sports injury that required surgery. The result of the injury also lead to depression. Sports were my addiction. Once those were taken away, I had no idea what to do with my life. That's the worst part about being an addict—we always find a way to swap out addictions, healthy or unhealthy.

Throughout my life I have personally struggled with alcoholism, heroin addiction, cocaine addiction, gambling addiction, and even video game addiction. I guess you could say I have an addictive personality. Where does this personality come from? Is it genetic? Inherited? Nature or nurture? I know my grandfather was an alcoholic, but besides that, my family had no known history of drug addiction. Everyone in my family had successfully completed college and earned a degree. Yet here I am, dropping out of college three times, and becoming a full-blown addict at the age of 22.

I started drinking at the age of 14. Not long after, I would experiment with marijuana. I told myself I would stick to drinking and smoking weed. I told myself I would never try heroin or meth. Those are famous last words for someone with an addictive personality. I stayed true to my word up until my sports injury. That was when I would discover my new addiction—opiates. It all started with a bottle of Oxycontin, which eventually snowballed to injecting heroin when the opportunity presented itself.I found myself unable to stop for what seemed like an eternity. I'm sure addicts often ask themselves the same questions: What makes me want to stick a needle in myself? What makes me want to suffer through the withdrawals again? Why can't I just stop? Besides the obvious answer that withdrawals are hell, I do believe addiction can be a mental illness more than it is physical. I remember I would feel like I was already getting high when I was about to pick up and use. It was a strange adrenaline rush and euphoria I would experience. It was a high before the real thing. I wanted to stop using opiates, but I couldn't. Why? This is stupid. I was blowing through every penny I had. I was resorting to lying, cheating, and stealing to feed my addiction. I was getting involved with shady and dangerous people. I was having frequent run-ins with law enforcement. I began to wonder—was I addicted to the drugs, or was I addicted to the excitement that came from it as a naive 22 year old who's mantra was live fast, die young? I suppose it could have been both. Addiction is just pure insanity. I was never unable to stop on my own. I had hit rock bottom. I had no direction in life. I felt lost, worthless, hopeless, and without purpose. There was no joy in life anymore. Death would have easily been welcomed. I felt as though I was on the verge of becoming another statistic.I was lucky to have family that always supported me regardless of my poor life decisions. My family could no longer bear watching me self-destruct, so they began exploring all options of treatment. We decided the best option and best chance of a successful recovery would be through medication assisted treatment combined with cognitive behavioral therapy. I completed my treatment, and have been clean ever since. I never want to go back to the vicious cycle that is addiction.