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I am an Addict. I have been clean five years. I have been to the depths of hell, I have been a slave to addiction and depression, but I am here to tell you that it is possible to take your life back and not just survive but live again. My journey to peace and freedom didn't happen over night and neither will yours. It wasn't easy and life still isn't perfect but I don't spend the majority of my days sick, crying, worrying, laying in bed, contemplating suicide, or in physical and emotional pain anymore.
I spent so much of my teenage and young adult life depressed, not knowing why and assuming my life would be miserable forever. I used anything and everything to try and numb the pain. Substances worked for awhile. I met the devil himself, Heroin. I sold my soul to him and thought I was on top of the world, heroin became my life, it took over my mind, my body, everything I had. The deception didn't last. I was sick, and even more depressed than before. I NEEDED it or I couldn't function. It wasn't until I was laying on a disgusting cot in a corner at a community bridges intake, surrounded by a hundred other addicts vomiting, shaking, screaming, and crying, begging for their fix that I realized what the hell I had done to myself, to my family. I didn't want this life anymore.
After 24 years of numbing the pain and being miserable, I wanted something more. I decided in my heart that I would change. I had told myself this many times before and it never happened, I never really meant it. This time I was. I spend the next 48 hours shaking on this cot until I got to go into detox with meds and help from their five-day program. I had to make a choice once I walked out those doors and I knew I couldn't do it on my own, I didn't have the strength or the will power to do it on my own. I started at a methadone clinic and counseling. Medication for my P.T.S.D. and depression.
I was starting to feel like a human being again after a few months. I made it a few months, I talked to counselors and spilled my soul, I got rid of every "drug friend" or person in my life that I knew would lead me back to temptation. I started school again. I got a job. I met new people. I had to get rid of that part of my life and start over, find new purpose. You can't expect to change your life if you don't change your lifestyle. If you're not ready to and completely committed to change, it won't happen. You really have to want it for yourself. You can't be foolish and think you don't need help either. It is okay to ask for help, it is okay to accept help. You have to do what it takes. You have to put your ego aside. You have to find a higher power to lean on. It doesn't matter if it is God, Buddha, Witchcraft, meditation, anything you want, as long as you find something that explains to you or gives you answers and purpose.
Things are still hard, not everyday is sunshine and flowers but it isn't bad. I still have dreams and thoughts every so often but I wouldn't dream of going back. I've come too far and I don't miss being miserable. Every day gets a little easier. If you are willing to talk to someone and to ask for help, you can save your own life. Mental health is everything. If your brain isn't functioning properly than your life won't either. Start there. Most addiction happens because of depression and chemical imbalances in the brain. Don't be ashamed or afraid to ask for medicine. It is not forever, it is a coping tool until you can learn how to live life differently and learn the coping mechanisms you will need to fight depression. I know first hand the pain and suffering depression and addiction causes. You don't have to be stuck in that rut forever.
It is possible to change things for yourself. Someone out there knows how it feels and can help you. Please don't ever think you're not worth it, that you don't deserve better. You are worth it. You are strong enough. You are wanted. Please find a group, a counselor, an addiction center, start talking, start asking questions, ask for help. If I can help you in any way, I will! [email protected] If you are reading this then I am probably speaking to your heart right now. Please take my advice.