Afraid

Was I born wretched? Were we all born evil? Or were we born into evil? We are all of that and everything in between. We have the ability to be wretched, kind, amazing, evil. Damn. Thinking about it, I didn't realize how fucking terrible I would feel throughout my 23 years of living. You think it's all rainbows and sunshine? Here's a tip, it's NOT. Even when you conquer one obstacle, there's plenty more to follow. Sounds depressing, doesn't it? Well, it's depressing to try and completely be okay and joyous every single day and have life fuck you. You thought you were doing so well. You probably were doing well. Then you kind of just stop caring. I'm not saying being positive is a bad thing but you can't run from suffering—you CAN'T. I've been there, masking all of the things I was going through and I broke, man. It almost came to a point to where I wanted to end my life. I felt like a stuffed animal, with all of this repressed sadness and anger towards life. I was swallowing any outlet that I could find to feel better. I was in this dark, dark place so far deep I couldn't swim or move. Life is fucking crazy and its an every day battle and it's hard to accept it.

There is something beautiful about suffering, though. It is desire. I listened to "WALLS" by Kings of Leon and he sings, "A man ain't a man unless he has desire." This pertains not only to men but to women, too. I suffered from many obstacles and still will, but it was the moment I hit rock bottom that I truly desired to get better and create a completely new and fucking awesome version of myself. It is true power to find passion in everything you do, think, and desire and there's no one that can take it away from you. It is really in every single one of us so screw the bullshit that only certain people acquire that inside of them.

You are all unique, scared, funny, happy, sad, screwed up in some way. Everyone has these in them but some just find what they are amazing at and follow that with passion. We all desire something. Why can't we desire together? Why are you saying you are more enlightened, smarter, more beautiful, more accomplished than the one who is struggling to get out of bed? Why do you insist on talking shit about that girl who might be thinking about suicide? And why the fuck are you with someone who just doesn't care about you but might care about someone else? Truly, why? Get to the damn root. It's not what you think about them. It's what you think about you. It is a constant battle for me to not put myself down and blame it on others and that's something I will always struggle with it but it gets better once you find that desire.

Do you envy, essentially, desire control, social status? What would happen if you replaced that with the desire for identity, patience, open mindedness, true friendship and relationships? This is just an example but seriously, I have a lot of issues and I'm sure as hell not perfect. Once my heart started connecting with my mind, I was in a whole new world (Aladdin and Jasmine are singing in my head now). Realize that you are more worth it than you know and if there is no one that you can turn to, just know there is someone out there who is going through a lot just like you.