Afraid of the Dark

I have always been afraid of the dark. Well, at least I have for as long as I can remember. As soon as the lights go out, the fear comes back; I don’t know what I can do to stop it.I don’t know a time that I was not afraid.Honestly though, what is there to be scared of?I am looking at my room in the light. I know there is nothing. I can see every crevice and I know every spot. I know the placements of my things. I know where everything is.But then the lights go out.And you know what? It is not actually the dark I’m afraid of. Because the dark doesn’t create the monsters that appear.My mind does.I don’t know what is there. I mean, there isn’t anything there. But at the same time, my mind tells me there is.My mind tells me that I don’t know what is actually there.I see a shape and it is not my chest of drawers. I hear a sound and it is not the wind.It is something else. I feel my heart beating.I guess you could say I have a fear of the unknown.As I grow up, there is almost a peacefulness to the darkness.That is, until my mind wakes up.

It’s hard to explain to people who have not felt the same as you but to be afraid of what your own mind can create—that is true fear. To not be able to change your thoughts, control them even. For me, my mind is creating new things to scare me with each day. Monsters in the dark. New doubts about what I am good at. Seeing my future as bleak instead of bright.

A lot of the time it seems like I can’t fight off the thoughts my mind has. They are too strong for me to argue and the thoughts sort of snowball. I can’t stop them from escalating, gathering speed and mass, and before I know it… well, it depends on the thought.

Much like with monsters in the dark, the more you focus on what is bringing you down, the scarier it seems. The harder it is to recover. The easier it is for the thoughts to snowball.

I am not saying these thoughts should be ignored, definitely not. Just, don’t take them as truth. Don’t gullibly believe them. Just because you think it, that doesn’t mean it is true. The majority of lies I hear come from myself. I am my biggest critic. No matter what people say to me, I can’t seem to change the way I feel.

With each day, though, I’m learning to challenge these thoughts, though it is a struggle. I have had so many setbacks, so many times that I feel I am back at the beginning of my journey. I don’t want to give up, though, and I am willing to fight through the struggle. I don’t just believe what my mind tells me, I look for the proof. Some kind of logic to hold onto.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that things can seem scarier in the dark; your mind can warp them, change them into what they are not. But before you let things snowball, before you start seeing monsters, look at things from a different perspective. Challenge the thoughts and give yourself a chance to recover.

Turn on the light and let yourself see things for things what they really are, not just what your mind tells you they are.