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Afternoon Thoughts

Questions that I Have No Answers For

 I still don't understand. I've had depression for over 10 years and it is still something that I get confused by and frustrated with and I still don't know how to deal with it. Trying to explain it to others is nearly impossible. How can I explain my depression to someone when I'm confused by it every single day?

It shifts like the weather in the fall. One minute I can be happy; I can be jumping around and loving life. The next I can be laying on my floor, sobbing. One day I can get up and accomplish everything on my to-do list, the next day I can be laying in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling, begging my brain to get up and do something. I can be a loving and caring person and care about everyone's well being, the next I can switch to not talking to anyone and walking through the halls like I'm in a living Hell.

Years of counseling and medications have not cut it for me. How am I supposed to put my happiness in a tiny pill, or in someone telling me that everything will be okay? How fucked up is it that I can't make myself happy? That I don't even know what happiness is. It's fucked up that I watch people walk past, smiling and laughing, and I think to myself "How can they do that?" I don't understand how someone can be happy without medication. Are people really born just being happy? Just being able to produce their own serotonin without any help? Are people really able to go through a hard time but still turn out okay?

My friend told me something yesterday that really made me think. She said, "I believe that happiness should only be saved for rare occasions. I don't think people should be happy all of the time. I feel people should be content most of the time, but not happy. Happy is only for specific things." 

There are days where I'm fine with my depression. I know I have depression and I know that it's something that I've been dealing with for 10 years and will be dealing with for the rest of my life, and that's okay. There are other days where that is not okay with me. I'm stuck between letting the universe do its part/everything happens for a reason and if you want something, go for it. How am I supposed to know? How am I supposed to know what the right thing is? How am I supposed to know if I'm going down the right path or if this is just the universe taking control?

Isn't it fucked up how some people can be so happy, yet others don't even remember what happiness feels like? I always ask myself, if I'm supposed to leave my problems to the universe, or if everything happens for a reason, why do some people suffer more than others? I know, everyone goes through things in their life. I realize that everyone has their own problems that you don't know about or they could be hiding their true feelings. But, some people just genuinely suffer more than others. Why? What did certain people do to get the wrong end of the stick, and what did others do to get the right end? What good deeds did those people do that made them have a good life? Please tell me, because I would love to know. 

There are so many questions I ask myself daily, maybe these questions are the reason why I'm so down all of the time. Maybe these questions are the questions that humans aren't supposed to ask. Maybe we're supposed to avoid things like these and just live life. Is that how I'm supposed to live? Wondering how everyone around me is so happy. Wondering how we live in the exact same world, going to the exact same school, living in the exact same dormitories, yet they are so much happier than me. 

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Afternoon Thoughts
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