All the World Is Made Up of Faith and Trust and Pixie Dust

As many people know, this past summer was not the time for me. Actually thinking, about the past 20 years haven't been the time for me. And I couldn't figure out why I was stuck in this dark place. It really felt like I was walking up an escalator that was going down. It was a really confusing process because I would have days on top of the world and be fine and then have days where I just didn't wanna be around. I started off just sad but then that sadness grew and grew into something that was so much bigger than me. And I let it grow until I completely began to fall apart. Now, this was hard because I hated talking about my emotions and I just wanted to keep them locked away. I liked putting everyone before making sure they were happy no matter what I was feeling. I guess you could say I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. And all that weight finally hit me. And I just exploded like a volcano, a very, very big volcano. I was ready to leave this earth. I was tired of fighting. I was tired of trying, and I was tired of having to be okay when I wasn't. People always say it's okay not to be okay but in reality, that's not how the world works. The world does expect you to be okay and if you aren't okay then hide it. Sadness is a very unwelcoming feeling from the world and that's the truth.

I finally caved and went and got the help I needed. The result was severe depression disorder and severe anxiety disorder. Now just because I went and got the help I needed, that doesn't mean the world was all sunshine and rainbows again. This was probably the longest seven weeks of my life and many others. Parts were good, parts were frustrating, parts were sad, and parts were happy. It was therapy after therapy, session after session, and medicine change after medicine change. Those seven weeks were exhausting and a lot for one person to take in. Not to mention the exhaustion of the depression was already so much to handle, now you have to open up and talk about all the things that led you here. And even if you have a good talk at sessions you would go home and that was either a hit or miss. This definitely wasn't the easiest choice or my first choice. But it's the choice that needed to happen whether I wanted it or not. I truly felt like I didn't need to be at Ridgeview. I felt like my problems were so small just because that's all I had. But then someone told me something that has stuck with me, "There is a huge difference between sadness and depression." And I finally surrendered after that sentence.

During this 7-week process, my eyes began to open and I began to feel so much as the weeks went on. I began to joke, laugh, smile, hang out with people, not spend so much time sleeping or in my room. It was a great feeling. And it only got better and better until my journey at Ridgeview came to an end. I finally got discharged and I wasn't in my safe bubble anymore. It took time for me to realize that I was in a bubble for all that time. I was safe and sound from the world. But now I feel like I'm in the Hunger Games in a way.

Getting out into the world again, was, of course, good to start off with but of course, that doesn't always last. I realize once people know and see who you are and how you aren't the same person as before, they look at you completely different. I have had many people become closer to me and then I have had others push away or look at me like a stranger. And yes that was VERY discouraging—when you think people will be happy and glad you are better but instead, they are uncomfortable and ignore you every chance they get. I realized there are people surrounding me, watching me and waiting for me to mess up, fall, and give up. Waiting to take me down for good. And that isn't easy. It never will be. But it's something that I and others will fight and ignore.

Now, I know the title of my story and story don't really go together but it will. Remember when I was going up the down escalator? I am now at the top and taking on more of those challenges. See, being out in the world was scary but it soon became a magical place. You have to find the things and people that make you happy. You have to shut out all the voices and darkness. Which I completely understand and get is so hard. But there is hope. I've seen it with my own eyes and I've experienced it myself. There is so much more to life and this world. It just takes faith and trust and yes a little bit of pixie dust. It's not gonna come easy but it's gonna come. You are going to have to work for it but you won't be alone. Never will you be alone. You might get knocked down but brush off your knees and hands and keep going. And yes, sadly there are going to be days where the world will seem so dark and so cold and you won't be able to get up and brush yourself off... but I and so many others will be right there to give you light and warmth and pick you up. Just remember, there are gonna be very bad days... and some unexpected beautiful days.

The movie Perks of being a Wallflower is one of my favorites and there is a quote that says, "I can see it. This one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you're listening to that song on the drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment I swear, we are infinite." That quote had stuck with me because those are the moments we live for and will continue to live for and experience. Those moments are what give us faith and trust and pixie dust. And the great thing is there are so many other moments in this world that give us those. You just have to believe!!! Believe it will get better!!! Believe you can!!! NO... KNOW YOU CAN!!!!!!!

We are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, WE CAN STIlL CHOOSE WHERE WE GO FROM THERE!!!!!

So if this does end up my only story, please believe that things are good with me, and even when they're not, they will be soon enough. And I will believe the same about you!!!

*"The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease forever to do it."* - Peter Pan