Am I a Failure?

Anxiety is a bitch, I think we can all agree. It keeps you up at night or wakes you up in the middle of the night, it plants thoughts and worries and doubts into your head about your character, about who you are as a person. It makes you not want to clean, or shower, or get dressed, and it tears apart every bit of power or confidence that you thought you had.

I know the feeling of anxiety using your head and heart as its own personal play thing. That is kind of where I am at right now. I am burned out, I am fried, and all those other words that make you feel like you are losing what little of your mind you still had left and I can say I have never felt like more of a failure than I do right now in my life, I never felt more of alone than I do right now in my life.

You see I am a wife and a step-mother, a daughter-in-law, and a sister-in-law but before that I was and still am a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a niece, and a granddaughter. These are the main labels I carry on my shoulders like the weight of the world crushing under me and no one in my life understands how heavy these labels are on me at this point in my life but I try to smile through it all but my smile is not working anymore. I am starting to crack under the pressure that these labels hold and sometimes I feel like I can no longer fulfill them.

I tried to carry these labels without any help or outreach but I can feel my mind and my heart calling out for a calvary that will never come. I struggle to believe that one day I'll be ok, that my family doesn't think that I am a failure, and that I believe that I belong somewhere and that I am apart of a family and not on the outside looking on a life and a person that I wish I could be.

It's so hard to act fine sometimes and be fine sometimes but its better than hearing that it is all just in my head, that I just need to change my state of mind or that I just have to think better thoughts or at least that is what I tell myself because trust me if I had a choice I would not live my days in this cage that I feel so trapped in all the time. I would not be constantly looking for away out of my mind.

I know I am stronger than this, tougher than this, but my anxiety is making me believe other wise and I guess that is what anxiety does, its closest friend and your most dangerous enemy and the most toughest thing I have ever had to fight and I hope one day that this feeling of being a failure is just a feeling and not the truth.

Thank you for reading my piece about my anxiety and about the things that I am going through. My anxiety makes me feel so alone and lost but I know that's not the truth. I know that there are other people in the world that know how I feel and they may feel just as alone as I do. and that are just like me, need to feel like they are not that alone and I guess as a writer or at least that is what I am trying to be do, state their life and experiences so people know that they are not alone.