Am I a Psycho?

Halloween night, my ex-boyfriend came over to take his things out of my car. He was angry because I didn't spend time with him for Halloween, and he saw that I was hanging out with my neighbors instead. This immediately led to an argument where he kept calling me a "psychopathic, manipulative B!+(# that doesn't care about anyone but themselves."

My ex used to talk to me all the time about how he thought I was a psycho, or that something was wrong with me. I would always think that he's the one with problems being projected on me! But part of me thinks that maybe there is something up with me.

Ever since I can remember, I have been emotionally numb. I mean, I do feel things like happiness and all that stuff, and I don't like making people feel upset or awkward when they are face to face with me, but all my emotions have always been very numb with not much "variety." For example, someone might do something that would hurt me, like cheat on me. Either I feel nothing over it, or I would feel upset for no more than a few seconds, and then go back to not caring. But maybe part of me still cares, because then I would immediately react the way that I believe I am supposed to react.

I believe my emotional numbness comes from growing up completely alone for a good part of my childhood. From mid-3rd grade up to 8th grade, I had to wake up to an alarm and an empty house and get ready. I would teach myself to make pancakes, watch some cartoons while eating breakfast, and walk to school, only to walk back home, do homework, get ready for bed, and wait for my mom and brother to come home together to have dinner.

I know that this constant loneliness triggered a very deeply ingrained paranoia that I still deal with on a daily basis. Maybe that also caused my emotional numbness. Then again, I did not even cry when my parents divorced, until I saw both my parents and brother cry over it. Then I forced myself to cry, too. The divorce is why I ended up being alone all the time.

I remember a few weeks ago, I was visiting my mom and we were talking about when I was little. She told me I used to destroy my toys and rip their body parts off. She even mentioned that I would hang my dolls from their necks. She then went on to tell me that she was worried I would grow up to be a killer. I would never kill anyone, though! Besides, the majority of kids did things like that to dolls. It's not like I was hurting living creatures!

I would take what my mom said in to consideration for me trying to decide if my ex was right that I might be a psychopath, but psychopaths hurt animals and have no compassion. I am the biggest animal lover. I never hurt the family dog, or birds, or cat! But I also felt nothing when our dog died, or the bird flew away. I guess I will never know if there is something wrong with me unless I go and see a psychologist.

But if there are psychologists reading this, and want to help me figure myself out, don't be afraid to reach out to me! Personally I don't know what to think about whether or not I am psychopathic, but I like to think everyone has a little bit of a psychotic side to them, if only they are pushed hard enough.