Am I Addicted to Depression?

I realised very recently that I seem to have a subconscious desire for sadness and self-destruction.

I am finally at a point in my life where my mental health has little reason to flare up. I know that’s not exactly an appropriate thing to say since depression isn’t always triggered by something; often you can just get sad for no reason. But what I mean is, I recently moved to the other end of the country, to an amazingly unique city that has no personal triggers for me. I moved away from everyone I know and moved in with my partner, who just happens to be very good for my mental health. She is incredibly understanding and supportive. I also got really lucky with a great job that I actually enjoy quite a lot that just happens to pay really well and has allowed me to progress to management in a matter of months. Everything is so different and so much better than it ever has been for me but it’s as if my subconscious isn’t responding well to my newly calm and comfortable life. The thing is, I have never had a comfortable life; there has always been something for me to deal with. As a child in a broken home, a suicidal teen, and a troubled and disappointing young adult, and dealing with forms of abuse during all of those periods, perhaps I can’t handle a comfortable life because I never learned how to; perhaps I won’t let myself be happy because that is not what I’m supposed to be, according to my past. To escape the depression is all I’ve ever wanted to do, or at least I thought it was, but I just can’t seem to allow it to happen.

I made an incredibly rash decision to leave everything behind and start again and it is the best thing I have ever done. However, I have realised that no matter what I try, it is as if my brain won’t allow me to be happy or get on with my life. I have everything I want right now — nothing amazing or glamorous, but it’s comfortable and that suits me. I have found myself, however, spending so much time seeking out my own triggers on social media and within music or television. I feel happy and content with everything and then there is this uncontrollable need in the back of my mind to seek out these triggers and make my own depression flare up. I have found myself stalking people I am no longer friends with or exes and looking back at times when I was in a bad place and reliving it in my head. Perhaps it would be best for me to cut off social media as I have everything else in my life, but I need it. I have become addicted to the triggers; the corners of the social media accounts of people I once knew because I need the ability to cause my own sadness and trigger my own depression. But why is that?

I am honestly concerned that I will never actually allow myself to move on. I have done everything in my power to force myself away from the things that hurt me and to actively make my life bearable but there’s always something stopping me from committing to this 100 percent. I do not want to be sad anymore. I don’t want my mental health to define me and consume me, but I also seem to have a severe addiction to the depression. Is it because I’m scared of allowing myself to be happy, in case it is taken from me yet again? Or is it because I need to feel as though I am controlling my sadness somehow? I don’t know anymore. All I know is that I am finally in a place where I could be happy, and I certainly should be. But a tiny part of me will always have a desire for my own self destruction. I don’t think I will ever not try to trigger my own depression when things are going well. I really am my own worst enemy.