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Am I Listening Actively or Centering

And Other Anxiety Inducing Things

By Paige GraffunderPublished 5 years ago 5 min read
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Photo by Niklas Hamann on Unsplash

It is so easy to trip over yourself when your entire life is ruled by one overpowering emotion: Anxiety. I, like many of my generation, suffer from an anxiety disorder, and while mine is slightly more intense than the average bear (Tourette's Syndrome) that doesn't mean that the things I experience are any different than anyone else suffering from other anxiety disorders, I just may experience them with different intensity.

As always, I am not a medical professional, this is based off my own personal experience. This is not an exhaustive list.

I Swear I Didn't Mean to Make It About Me, I Was Just Trying to Relate!

I was talking to an employee of mine recently, and while I was telling her a story, she offered a story where she had experienced something similar. Later that day she pulled me aside and expressed that she wasn't trying to center the conversation just to relate, and that insecurity resonated with me so much. How many times have I had a relatable story that I held inside for fear of seeming like I am going to make it about me. I have no idea where this particular story stems from, I was never told by anyone that I was making things about me, no one has ever criticized me for this behavior, but I still have this deep seeded anxiety about appearing to one-up a friend's story in an attempt to relate.

I'm Me! Aren't I?

Imposter syndrome is from real folks. There are things that I know I am very good at. I know, for example, that I am really good at my job. I am super good at giving gifts that people will really like. I know that I am a competent writer and content marketer. I know that I am a good driver. But here is the thing, when I am put on the spot for any of these things, I immediately begin questioning my abilities to do things that I know for a fact that I am not only capable of doing, but am in fact really good at. I know so many people who also experience this, so I know that it is a common occurrence. In my rational mind, I also know that when presented with a task, I can complete it , but I'll be damned if I don't spend the entire time I am doing it questioning whether or not I am doing it right. This isn't even limited to professional things, questioned whether or not I was brushing my teeth correctly this morning. A task I have been doing independently for 30 years.

Knees Weak, Palms Are Sweaty

My boss is a very cool person. When he delivers negative feedback to me he does it gently, he knows that I am riddled with anxiety and he is very conscious of how he speaks. He never raises his voice, and he never makes me feel from about the mistakes I make. And yet...Every time he calls me into his office, I immediately begin to perspire. Even when I know he is calling me in to ask for a cup of coffee, or to praise me, I feel like every time he opens his mouth he is going to fire me. It is exhausting to feel constantly on edge, doubly so when it is unjustified. My boss has recognized this pattern with me, and since he isn't a complete jerk, usually when he calls me into his office the first thing out of his mouth is, "You're not in trouble." This doesn't make my excessive sweating go away, but it does keep it from getting to the point where I have to keep an extra shirt in my office. I am so lucky to have such an accommodating boss, but there are many other people that I know are not so lucky.

If I Am Perfect Then I Will Be Indispensable

The other problem with severe anxiety is feeling like you have to hide not only the fact that you are constantly anxious, but all character flaws. I show up to work and my hair and make up are perfect, my shoes match, and my purse is completely organized. I have gotten a lot better about this in the last five years, getting used to coming into work in Seattle Casual, which equates to leggings and casual dresses, or even yoga pants on the occasional Friday, but that doesn't end the apprehension that comes with appearing less than perfectly put together. I can't tell you how much I agonize over the way I am perceived to people in my professional life. I had some in person interviews today, and I spent an hour of my day applying make up that no one saw behind my glasses anyway. I have no idea where the root of this anxiety is from either. The expectation has never been the expectation from the people close to me, but I accept nothing less than perfection from myself, and feel like a failure if even one thing is out of place.

I'm Sorry That I Keep Saying I'm Sorry

Over apologizing is probably my anxiety driven behavior that gets pointed out the most. I am constantly being told by colleagues, employees, my boss, and my lovers to stop apologizing. Of course, as soon as it is pointed out, I apologize for apologizing. It is so compulsory for me to apologize even when things are not my fault, that I don't even notice when I do it half the time. I apologize when people run into me, when I bump into inanimate objects, and when someone else drops something from across the room. I truly believe that this one stems from imposter syndrome. I apologize constantly because I always feel like I am where I am by some impossible mistake of fortunes.

So my lovely readers, do you suffer from anxiety? Do you exhibit any or all of these? What are some ways that you combat these and other anxiety induced behaviors?

anxiety
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About the Creator

Paige Graffunder

Paige is a published author and a cannabis industry professional in Seattle. She is also a contributor to several local publications around the city, focused on interpersonal interactions, poetry, and social commentary.

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