Am I Losing Control?

As many people will relate, the most difficult problem with mental health disorders is that they often cannot be seen. You don't have a cannula in your arm, or a bandage over your leg - and frustratingly enough you often don't lose weight with Bulimia.

It took me 9 months to say that word. 9 months to acknowledge what I was doing. The entire time I was convinced that I was in control, that I made a choice with each purge. That I could stop any time I wanted. But that just wasn't the case.

Step 1: I felt ill, sick from nerves from my final exams, I involuntarily threw up most meals because feeling empty made me feel more comfortable - nothing to do with weight or guilt. I just didn't want to eat as stress stopped my appetite. I began to lose a little weight as finals lasted a month, and I simply had no time to think of food, I didn't care. I began to feel a bit better about my figure having previously gained a lot of weight from a big 4 year break up. Step 2: Due to the fact that I hadn't recently been a stranger to being sick, I thought one night after a big takeout, maybe I could purge, just to not gain from that one binge. It was fine, it was only once. No one knew, no worries. So I started doing that after every takeout. Anything that was super unhealthy (predominantly takeout pizza) I'd purge. Step 3: I began to feel 'good'. I had lost a small amount of weight, combined with going to the gym fairly regularly I saw a change in my body, I still lived my life normally, just if I ate something really bad, I'd just purge and move on. Sometimes it was once in a fortnight, sometimes it was once in 3 days. At least it wasn't regular. Step 4: I started to hate food. Did what I just eat qualify as super unhealthy? Will it make me gain weight? Is it too late to purge? I just won't eat again today. Most nights I threw up, so most nights I slept fairly well. I started to think maybe I was losing control a bit, but I could still stop if I wanted. Surely? Step 5:My jaw involuntarily locks. My ribs feel bruised. My knuckles are scuffed. My back aches. My throat is sore. My nose stings. I need to stop.

I promised my new boyfriend I'll get better. I try to make meal plans. I quit each week. I can't get out of bed in the mornings to the gym as I'm too tired. I weigh myself 4 times a day but I don't do much if my weight fluctuates. I can't do much .. can I?

Step 6: I haven't had a bowel movement in 10 days. My body has stopped. I go to the pharmacy and get laxatives. I go to the doctor and get appropriate personalised laxatives. I lie to her face saying I have no idea why my metabolism is so terrible. I lose 5 pounds. I feel great, I lose weight without being sick or exercise. My parents notice the drop, I pretend I have no idea, I blame my new job for making me more active. By this time I'd lost 21 pounds.

I'm so tired, I hurt all over.

I've lost control.

But it's okay. You can gain it back. I tackle one meal at a time. I stopped the laxatives. I started the exercise. I found meals I can eat without guilt, my boyfriend cooks me food especially for my needs. I got my blood tested, I'm anaemic, I try to eat a bigger variety.

I may not be better, but I'm slowly regaining that control.